hey mama...

i jus caught a tear thinkin of u... seems i spend to much time alone if i were to speak the truth... i remember how u were my life... mama made life so much better as u cross my mind... i can't find a friend my morals will accept... i believe i'm more like u than what was expected..  i've become a lil to hesitant... n i've learned how to  isolate myself protectin what rests in my chset.... i miss u beyond words that can express the luv u gave to me... damn near 19 years without u i somehow got lost in this dream... i ran from the reality of u being gone for so fuckin long... n somewhere along the lines i went lookin for a lil comfort that went wrong... n as i think of u here tonight i whipser behind these walls... i know u can;t hear me but iwish u could tell me how to correct this one undeniable flaw... i heard u tell me what it would be that would take me away from myself as i didn't listen to what u had to say... yet, i don't have anyone to open up to who wants to share the exchange of names... i know, i gotta take care of me n me n neva rely on anyone else that'll eventually run away... u were right n i'm not for jus anyone to come along n think they have what it takes... as these fuckin tears are beginning to run down my face i wish u could tell me one more thing... why do i havta pour my heart out jus to watch em leave.?. i can feel the emotion rippin me apart even though i have a presence of mind thanks to u... no, i'm not a bad man, i jus can't seem to get life together nor rid myself of this caboose... i could use some help here mama... but i can't take another female that feeds me the fuckin drama... the pain in which u spoke of is as real as the air i breathe... u knew who i was long before i did so it seems... i hide behind closed doors not afraid jus unaware of who's who playin those same ol lame azz games... everyone talks of how it's always someone else's fault they fell in luv n fell from the same feel as if there was nothin to gain... blame blame blame, u tried to express to me to jus be who it is i am... n that i have as they look at me as if i'm too far gone to luv as if i'm not their type of man... although i recently had to separate from one that was a lil different bcuz there were things that complicated what i could allow in my life... mama, when's it gonna be my time.?. why can't i find my groove here as i feel so fuckin alone... u know i ain't for the fuckery as i jus can't find my home... when u told me i'd find the realist person within me i didn't know i'd havta go through so many fake faces that force a smile jus to get what they want... not matter where i go i wind up lookin around n no ones there... i jus keep comin back to typin my life away to the thoughts that take the place of friends that simply ain't here... it takes my mind back in time to when someone actually cared... n i can't remember the last time i had a lil fun with my emotions bared... i wish u were here so i could have someone to talk to... everyone here always winds up actin like fools... i luv mama n i miss u in ways i neva thought i would... i'd bring u back if i could...