setting the pace...

i'm scared n no one knows it... anxiety in change is hidden from the texture of lips... there's a way others wanna get close to what they consider something real... emotion i something i truly fear... the next phase of my life has my pulse racing n my heart beating outta my chest... as the thought of the kids not having me around sends a vibe shooting through me that won't allow me to rest... i'm so sick of the sacrifice n jus wanna live... to ease back n enjoy a lil of life bcuz i have something to give... yet the i am petrified of everything outta the norm it telling me i havta deal with a lil while more... it's like everyone else gets to do all the things i thought i'd be doin instead of hiding what wants to pour... seems i ain't got no quit is still trying to get to that place in my mind... jus outta reach yet so far from what is occurring within known as the divide... trust got hear in this never ending cycle of pain... suffering from memories i'm don't wanna remember as i jus wanna escape... there's no room in my head for me as i'm so done feeling so fuckin empty... but i have others depending on dad that need a better way so they can be happy... i don't even live for my own smile as it's others i try to entertain... there's times the solitude drives insane... but i'm safe from tucked deep enough away others think i'm fine... n i hope one day i to can enjoy a lil thing called time... it's like i'm missing out on my own life always having to work... n the times i can do something i can't bcuz i havta hold on the the money so everything doesn't go berserk... i'm terrified of what it to come if i cannot find a way to slow down... faces are changing with age as there's no one to luv around... imma be one of those lonely old men that is found a few days after i expire... n it makes me wanna cry bcuz there's something in me that cannot seem to light a fire... as it's been dark enough in the stillness in which i lay... having to switch shit up one more time before i can ever consider a friend to stay... the secrets others don't know lives in depths strangling sighs... causing havoc behind the ribs that resemble bars as desires are trapped in the clink... i jus wanna be free to fulfill the dream lost in the mind's confuse state of what the fuck... even though my patience has been the key to getting closer to the rush... flowing freely to watch my luv'd ones gain from my will power paying the cost... n there's a minimum of two more yrs before i can ever reflect on the thought of a pause... n people wonder why i stay in my own lane... i'm not only rebuilding my life but giving a reasonable chance for mine reign... n it hurts but is worth every second it takes to set the pace... bcuz i know one day it'll all be over n it's on me to link the chain...