reluctant...

help me understand why emotion is afriad... knowin it's more than ok to fall into arms worth luv's fame... tell me this case of fear is jus a figment of my imagination... bcuz i'm scared of the scars that heal as i feel i have no destination... is it somethings been stlen from within... have i lost one to many fuckin friends.?. wht won't my mind allow my heart to feel anything other than what i need to be doin.?. when it has to idea of where either of them are goin... nothin is broken bcuz i am functionin jus fine... yet, i get lost in silence as it's become the only way i know how to spend time... who is it u see standin as an image in ur head... as solo as i am as still as i am relunctant to join u in ur own bed... nerves shake when air has been shoved to the side so bodies can get close... i'm fadin n i don't know how to stop this fiasco... as eyes follow my movement n i wonder if they know i'm outta reach... does my truths show as my actions are alone n muted by relations touchin the need.?. i felt me come to life when i found time to reflect on who it is i am... so how come life resides here damn near cryin to be seen as a man.?. as my smile only works when i mingle with this strange unfamiliar world... i'm petrified to encounter sexual contact as it would'nt be hard to make a set of toes curl... only if i could see myself on paper instead of the mirror that lies straight faced as i turn away... holdin on to my desires n playin it's childish games... i cringe as excitement lurks in my direction bcuz i know what is waitin on the other end of relation if i eva allow them to start... all without a hole in my very own heart.... as it's not where i've been i'm hangin on to... i jus don't know where i belong in the hands of use... strangers find me to be what i cannot witness within myself... sittin high upon my lonely shelf i believe i could listen to what cannot be felt... twisted n shown to me in a way i'd be able to come back out... as eva that is far fetched as i ask myself, how.?.