I sit n I'm tired of thinking about it...

Sitting still with the passing time... Thinking to myself of the determination of what's a waste of life... What will wait to find some reason in makin worth somethin desired to touch.?. How do moments stack up to earning luv.?. I'm jus kicked back n I'm wondering if the better things I'm yet to enjoy will come from within... Seems everything I thought was good turned into jus another void as there was a vanishing of friends... As the thoughts clearly needs to focus on the clarification I've somehow missed... I found friendships ain't in their kiss nor the movement of names upon their very own lips... Things don't ever pan out n it has me in a constant wait... Then again it wasn't mentioned as it wasn't an option for my choice to turn on those I luv that added a fizzle to the flame... Those fuckin substances jus shows the ones I allow in my life are weaker than they've claimed... As my brain trips on what was lost along the way... I'm jus ready to live again yet, I do not know what to call out if I were to speak their name... It's like throwing echoes into the air n neva hearing the bounce for home has no walls... N I know it shouldn't but there's pieces of me that felt the collapse of feelin so small... That emotion is as crippling as 1, 2, 3... The process it takes to make it hard for someone to breathe... But I want a feel that won't go away as they cannot accept the fact patience is the key to a healthy mind... So I'm alone most of my days day dreaming of what it is to come along n free me from these thoughts in which I duck n dive... One being the irresistible notion that clings to the draw of a luv'r that eases u both jus the same... As in the other hand like ain't got no time to find a true purpose for the leap jumped into a mess due to being untamed... The third is goin as far as it'll go n not realizing the facts that lead the heart to the pain... Eyes seen it comin from jump but didn't care to be as selfish as to avoid what would eventually become a game... N I ponder on ways of the moment if it were to arouse my curiosity n jus let things be... Would it play out to the benefit of neva having to ever go without what appears to be an undercover dream..?. There's some shit that makes no sense to the thought patterns of those I connect with... Words have found a way to hold no truths in the definition in which they are spit... As I'm open to findin out for myself who it will be when they come a knocking... Knowing their face is the one I wanna see by the expression of actions understanding my end of relations with conditions of there no such thing as the separation of packing... So I quietly ramble with my playful tongue that twist the breaking point of syllables jus to get through so I know who it is I am... I'd rather be a human than a genderized man lookin at a woman n not a friend to stand by me on her side carrying on like a couple fools here talking about holy garsh damn.!.