stop

tastin ur name silently. tryin 2 catch ur attention carelessly. if i told u i was crazy bout u. would it make it enuff diff 2 turn ur head my way, if i could guarantee u emotional physical n mental satis faction. do u think u could c wat im about. if i were 2 express things like men neva do. would it keep u from turnin n driftin away n puttin me in da same category as every1 else. if i turned i=out 2 b unusually good man by wat uv experienced. would it b enuff 2 make u wanna share a lil time 2 c if we could co-exist in sum kind of way. if i were wat i said i am n time told u da same. how would u think ud respond 2 a man. would u b able 2 c me as ma as i am standin b4 u as a simple man. if i couldnt walk away without an answer. would u break down n tell me exactly how u felt b4 i fell apart waitin on an answer from ur lips. if i were more than wat u were use 2. would ur curiousity get the better of u n try 2 find me b4 u looked past me. if i wadnt bout games n kept things in prospective. as real as a real man could b without playin. could i get a chance 2 make a diffrernce in ur life. maybe crack a smile n b allowed 2 touch u as u deserve.wat if i was able 2 take the place of that silhouette shadowin an image of a man u gave up on cuz u dont believe he exists anymore. jus me bein me. would it b possible 4 u 2 let me in2 ur world 2 c if i could make ur day. cuz if it were. id do wat i do. jus me. n c if u could feel me b4 u ignored me 4 another mans selfisness uv endured. if we were not all the same. would u stop n take the time 2 listen 4 time 2 tell on me. or would u b as shallow as the rest of the world n abandon ur feelin b4 u could feel sumtin u probably would luv 2 get 2 kno n enjoy 4 as long as it could last. its jus a question ?q? of if. if u could. ifd. its that simple. stop n think if it b worth walkin by. stop n give me a minute 2 sink in. c if u can believe in wat im sayin. stop denyin urself wat uv been lookin 4.

kiss my rosie reds

i use 2 think somethin was wrong with who i was becomin,
deep within me like somethin was boilin 2 a spoil, turnin.
yrs of creatin a monster patiently waitin 2 surface b4 my eyes,
face 2 face wit my twin i cant c any other way 2 calm his cries.
im totally fuckin normal compaired 2 who iv met in my present n past,
like everyone else i am who i am as well, livin life 2 fast.
only thing is im as real as it gets as this world can kiss my rosie reds,
me bein me inside of me livin 2 please me, cuz im done wit its best.
this is my life n my exsistance is @ stake as my smile will shine,
for i havnt been able 2 hide inside the hole i crawled outta in my prime.
wit 2 birds flyin 4 my feedom 2 live as i please in my time.
i am my own true friend as i walk talkin as mother earth feels me grind.
step by step speakin my mind as i so well damn please,
enjoyin the shade when i can beneath the trees.

have u ever?

hav u ever wnated some1 in ur life in a way ud b happy jus bein freinds so they dont hate u 1 day?
but its 2 much 2 control as they make it 2 hard not 2 try 2 enjoy their stay.
hav u ever had that feelin that ur lookin @ somethin ud been lookin 4 in some1 u never knew?
havin conersations n chattin like long lost friends as time aloows u 2 do wat u do.
hav u ever bent ur own lil made up rules n found somethin lost within u?
freein emotions that r doin more than escapin towards wat u pleed 4 is true.
have u ever had some1 pressed against the flesh like u were connected crushin bridges?
bringin out all the good as if uv forgotten how 2 feel the life 1 can help, bringin it.
have u ever seen a face starin @ u in such a fabulous way u couldnt pass by without sayin hi?
stopin 2 eventually becomin 2 want more than a conversation as time stands aside.
have u ever let an individual show u how much u have left inside of u, u couldnt help but 2 smile?
as if they were touchin all the good bottled up inside of with a goochie goo unable 2 hide.
have u ever peeked in2 a set of eyes n knew it could worh til the end comes callin 4 1 of the 2 of u?
could u imagine the feelin of happiness comin round the bend with a grin 4 u explorin u?
have u ever thought of what they would look like as if u were standin alone with em?
cuz they dont look like anything in ur dreams when its time 4 u 2 take ur 1 n get it done.

ur smile?

can u feel ur smile?
actually feel ur face grin.
does it ever feel like its stuck?
like it's always on.
how does it feel?
when it's touches ur face.
is it one of those feelins?
u can not discribe.
do u ware it all day?
no matter where.
does it reflect?
in anothers eyes.
how do u like it?
showin teeth or jus up.
where does it hide?
when ur fast asleep.
do u keep it on?
all night long.
does it feel good?
2 have 1 on.
is it pasted n glued?
livin the good life.
has it changed ur days?
who gave it 2 u?
what is their name?
where did it come from?
how did u find it?
when did u get it?
y do u think it is, it feels so good?

my name is butch

call me allen, n if i answer u'll kno ur the 1, thats when my heart will b done.
yet iv mistaken the sound of it all b4, immitatin the vibrations time n time again like a fool goin door 2 door.
learn more about me i ever wanted 2 kno, as i slowly was becomin grown.
iv loved n lost n faked the feelin of lust, hurt a friend n misplaced the trust.
had my chance of a life time with what appeared 2 b the 1, jus 2 wind up changed n numb.
found comfort in a stranger all the while gettin lost, neva knowin the cost.
awakened in the mornin feelin-is this my life?, neva wantin 2 have a wife.
pretended straight faced 4 my kids sake, n wound up stronger n never givin more what i can take.
iv tempted the lines 2 bend til they broke, well b4 i was ready 2 b poked.
thought i found everything i needed within someone, n did it all again wit another no one.
pissed off n kicked around a perfectly good heart, til i was every name in the book n barred.
yes iv done that, n again ive done that as well, id wind up there, if such a place was called hell.
i purposely 4gotten people along the way, cuz i couldnt find the reasons y i was suppose 2 stand near them day 2 day.
iv cheated n banged some fine azz women, its what i thought was livin.
cried my eyes out wantin a desperate change, wounderin y i excepted such a rude exchange.
said goodbye 2 a lover 4 reasons i stood 4, crushin a world as i walked out her door.
wouldve givin anything 4 1 certain individual 2 look my way, n if possible show me something that resembled the time of day.
fell in love 2 fast n watched it fade, n it wasnt about gettin laid.
held a stranger like a long lost lover as we were findin our place, savorin the flavor of how good it tastes.
locked myself away 2 find out who in the hell i was, n came out who i am is a plus.
jus 2 escape back 2 the sos, losin again with a tighter grip.
my name is butch as this world will remember me as jus that, but 1 will call me by my birth name as i give only her that.

whwyww?

when's it ever gonna b fair?
with a future 2 enjoy.
how can it b defeated?
played like a babies toy.
where's my angel?
fallin n beatin.
y can't i believe?
layin 2 b eatin.
who's fault is all this?
take ur blame.
what's the meanin?
when we're washed away with the rain.

in btween the days light

once in a while i sleep on the edge of my mind in bed.
waitin n ready 2 do in the day b4 i lose my head.
grabbin @ dreams n beatin em down.
i have no time 4 la la land, playin like a clown.
i need reality 2 keep my smile from fadin.
something i can touch as i do everything i can 2 aid it.
every now n again i slip up n let the mind wonder away.
rollin down hill thinkin of things that could damper my day.
y is this thing we live ever have to end as we're repo'd?
y do i feel this way every time im left alone?
i get lost sometimes as i tend 2 give up cuz i dont feel so alive.
on the drop of a dime like its a waste of time.
n im so in love with life, i never want 2 part as it fills my smile.
n its as if im goin crazy n i dont know how 2 keep it on speed dail.
as the days do jus that as their gettin away.
hurryin up 2 spill out my inner core in every way.
late nights r way 2 long ever so often.
bringin me to my knees awakin b4 my coffin.
nightmares as i lie wide awake.
without a peek of light 2 fade me in2 a break.
i gusse thats what i get 4 figurin it out.
pressin 4 the reasons of this thing in my lungs n what its all about.
i understand its full potential n its final callin.
standin side by side n individually fallin.
cuz in btween the days light i lose myself here n there in fear.
n it jus makes me wanna jus b able 2 live n feel somethin, even if its a tear.

questions?

have u ever been looked over?
who was it and what was it they did to you?
have you ever given something an honest try and come up short?
why do you think it turned out the way it did?
could you have done something different?
what was that thing you were lacking?
do you think bad timing crushed your dream?
if it were possible, could time give you a window to show your stuff?
have you ever been given a chance to be with that one person?
what happened?
was you being you?
did you keep things real and in prospective?
were they ready for you?
do you think everyone comes around in their own time?
and if that time gave in, would you accept someone who has turned away?
has love ever filled your heart?
is it possible to love some they same way you have loved before?
can you answer a simple question?
have you ever had your question ignored?
have you ever felt irrelivant?
did you ever think you were a secret?
can you see a situation for what it really is?
can you come correct?
do you mean what you say?
why is it so hard to get some one to look inside of you?
who made some one else the judge of who you are?
did you ever feel like you have met the most perfect fit for you?
was this one the one of all the one's?
is it in you to look into some ones eyes and know if it is right or wrong?
have your emotions ever got the better of you in the best of ways it hurt so much?
have you ever missed some ones presence?
was there ever a time when your time was cut short and did not understand why?
can you keep your head and become stronger and not take another persons actions out on the next one that comes along?
can you feel you past teaching you what you need to know?
can you learn in a mature way, like an adult?
if you could ask one question and get an honest answer, what would it be?
who would you ask it?
why would you go threw that trouble for them?
do you really want to know the conclusion?
if the facts were on the table, would you do anything with them?
have you ever been interested in someone and yet could not get them to give a real look?
what is in a question if it has gone unanswered for so long?
does it mean anything if you knew the outcome?
have you ever sat in total darkness and felt so alone?
have you ever met that one person you did not see coming?
does love exist in your heart?
can you feel another humans purity?
if someone expressed true intentions, would you give them the time to figure if it could work?
do you live your life for you?
could you live your life with someone who is as real as the air you breath?
if you realized a good thing got away, would you try and get it back?
have you ever ignored some one simply trying to be a friend?
do you think you are who you think you are?
have you ever judged some one buy how much money they make?
is some people just not good enough?
what is good enough?
have you ever made a friend you rarely see?
what it that?
do you think friends enter act with one another and share some kind of life?
why is it people can not seem to just look at some one and let them be themselves?
has some one ever not liked who you have dated or such?
is it possible for you to lay your guard down and simply trust some one to love you in return and want nothing but for you to be yourself?
ask yourself a question and see if you can comprehend the reality of the answer you have chosen, does that work for you?
is money that important to push everyone away?
is love not worth the time?
where is your mind at?

# 1

in luv wit this chick who came out of the blue.
i slowly realized her heart is true.
stepin to a beat thats simular to mine.
our feet now walk side by side.
she one in the same and i wasnt lookin.
she found me, when i was out nookin.
she couldnt resist the way i stood.
as the night went on, i knew i would.
conversation was nice nuff to continue on.
findin out this lil lady new what she was doin.
had me picked out from the first drop of her eyes.
now she fills my world, lightin up my life.
how she did it i havent a clue.
but shes gotten me feelin so brand new.
a man standin wit so much on the mind.
n it is her that fills my time.
day dreamin like a ll school boy.
feelin things i had givin up on.
she has this thing i luv to death.
she knows how to be her til theres nothin left.
she chose me on a night i'll always remember.
i hope we could keep this movin along forever.
cuz she changed the man within me.
slightly nuff to bring out me in me.
something i was forgettin to do.
n now she she has no clue.
me plans on life is different now.
all because she found out how.
to get in my head n over ride my heart.
n she knows exactly where to start.
from goolgie eyes starin one night in a moment of want.
to where we stand today, no longer on the hunt.
we r one n the same in the ways we've bcum.
n i intend to keep it that way til our luv is # one.

full grown man

big dick sessions. teachin thoughts drempt by dreamers lookin 4 what i got. drivin em crazy til i hit that spot, n its all over as i cant seem 2 stop. feedin off the sounds n emotional outbursts expressed from with in a womans chest. forced up the neck through her pipes 4 me 2 taste as i become a true test. never met a 1 night stand that walked away without wantin so much more. from the bed 2 the floor down 2 the nakedness of havin no clothes on. i am a full grown man, thankfully sharin my chance 2 bare what it is i have down there. gettin feedback that only fuels the animal within me as it's dared 2 care. tactical missions of seek n please at all costs that r so far outta reach. but if givin the oppertunity, i am willin 2 teach everything iv learned without a fee. 8.5" of pleasure pumpin fun with width 2 spare, playin its hard azz game. n i love havin a fine lil woman screamin my name as shes slidin on n off my thang. as i tweak n twang her til it drives her 2 cream like shes insane. i jus hope she likes a lil pain 2 finish off her long hard well deservin day.

no longer on the hush

listenin 2 the sounds of the thumpin, vibratin from the head board.
goin further than iv ever gone with the lights still flicked on.
lookin down hearin the screamin n squealin as she bites her lip.
grippin n takin whats been built up as she does more than drip.
boom bam pow, crashin n outlastin, the beds breaking into splinters.
gettin at what most people would conider sick n twisted sinners.
fuck it, this one is worth the extra mile to try n please.
excitin desires i never knew i had til i laid her down n fixed her broken dreams.
remodelin as if it were the first time i slid in with an easy steady infiltratin motion.
makin room to fit as she cant get enough of the gropin emoition takin control of her notions.
gettin it done just for her to lay n be treated like royalty for a brief moment in which she lays spread eagle.
lovin what grown people do, we're tryin hard to keep what we're doin legal.
watchin her wiggle as i give her my over sized pill that can fulfill the thrill of her bein drilled on a dime.
all in all fascinatin her will as she doesn't attempt to hide what spills from her thighs.
my magic lil giant wand flickerin stardust fantasies late into the night ever so rough.
doin only each other, weezin our names in such an act naughty would blush.
poundin at that one thing that has been missin a man so hard n pumped up.
so far passed lust, in the beginin stages of its a must.
flush with her body as i lay within, in n out, no longer on the hush.
burnin the sheets with every stroke n stride thrusted in ahh with a side of wow.
its never felt this good as we proceed to live in the moment of touch n feel right now.
doin things with our time shared that seems to slow down the present til the mornin appears threw the shades, in between the blinds lines.
over throwin flirtin for it has no purpose to what we feel inside, with time to shine.
temptin ourselves to never let go of this thing we've jus may have possibly found.
made for two to slide like silk with our complete anatomy, givin up on everything til now.
give n take. man n woman. please n tease. oh ah n whoo. who knew things could be this good?
deep sea divin in a shallow pond with a submarine blowin up the bubble no one could seem to pop.
stoppin her in her tracks as the dead memories of the past disapear at last.
forcin her to drop everthing n take some interest in a grown man willin to give back.
attack n finish off the flow of orgasmic fluids burstin with each pulsatin heartbeat over come with the power of the love show.
fittin like o.j.'s glove as i shove my moan n groan fixture deeper n deeper as i grow.
findin the one place she hides from all the others.
under her shadow hiddin in the garden of pretendin to be satisfied by previous lover.
she give it up the way it needs to be fed.
not understandin why others have fled.
i tap at, n want what is considered to be all one needs to make it.
true love flickerin in the back of her eyes as i am unable to take it.
chasin down her pleasure with every sweat bead fallin n drippin.
sliddin down collidin with her body heat, she got me workin.
as the drips of passion r sizzlin into moisture that has been turnin me on all day.
o the smell of sex takes me away to this happy place i have misplaced n wish to stay.
as she does what iv been lookin for, for some time lost now found in the rompin sounds of us.
more of baby is all i need to explain what it is my chest is tryin to trust.

4u

i got plans 4 u. runnin round in my heart carelessy and free. touching places n things with in me, healin everything thats gone totally wrong in yrs come 2 pass, as im willin 2 c how long this could last.
i got a place 4 u. made 4 sum1 jus like u. its all urs if u want 2 share a life worth enjoyin as its open up, waitin 4 u 2 do what it is u do.
the things i would do only 4 u. givin a piece of me in a sense, no 1 has ever been able 2 reach. willin 2 b broken if it is necessary, takin u off the bench.
turnin it up a few notches 4 u. expressin me in ways that helps u realize i am indeed 4 real. wantin u 2 play a role in my life no other can fake tryin 2 b what u naturally r, fillin a void thats i can feel.
a life 4 me 4 u. in a place in time no 1 can take away. in a state of mind that love would rewrite its book n call it us, startin 2day.
together u n me, u 4 me n i 4 u. showin this world we got what everyone wishes they could find. head over heart, doin it 4 each other, with 1 another we can do anything possible. side by side.
with u 4 u. kissin u til my lips fall off. as u pick em up n nurture em n love em. put em back where they belong n do it all over again, all in the name of love.

nothin special

im nothing special, yet every now n again sum1 comes along n tells me im da best. this i do not c. this truly puzzles me. i am just a man doing what every other man should do. put into another catagory because i am just me. what u c is what u get. i am just a man struggling, trying to find someone who fits me just right. it is not my fault most men r caught up into dumb selfish shit. i can not help that i am truly A REAL MAN, SOMETHING I TAKE MUCH PRIDE IN. im not saying i am the only man that can do what i do.just clarifying that the majority of men r not men. i am in a though place because of them. a good place in which i have to watch people closely. women tend to c only certain things b4 they can c if it can work. men make it hard to approach females. women figure they heave heard it all b4. been through the dumb shit. so they put all men in the same catagory. missing the point of we r not all the same.

something is missing

im jus not feelin it 2night. my smile has seemed 2 fade away. my heads hung as my eyes drift. i feel alone. but not in a bad way. it just feels like iv lost a best friend. empty n hollow. slow breaths of questions left at a standstill. i got a hole in me as the sun is going down. wanting a bottle 2 ease my mind of all the things i can not forget. its like everyone is so fucking far away. i don't think i could look myself in the eyes if i tried. its not on a level of feeling sorry 4 myself. i just wish things were different in so many ways. n my brain wont let me rest. as if its trying to cover all the basics before its laid to rest. im just not wanting anything tonight. and i just don't know why. i can't help giving up and just letting this night have it's way with me for once. i don't feel like me. something is missing from somewhere in me. and i can not seem to find it. i got a good life. and hope to keep this thing moving as long as possible. but tonight, i just want this world to forget me as it always does. no one seems to think twice of my existence. standing beside myself most of the time. pretending it doesn't bother me. able to keep from showing it. yet i know her name. she's from a long time ago. someone i have no business thinking of. but i released her form my thoughts a couple months ago. of all the possibilities that roamed. from within. and now i'm left felling this way. caving in. lost. i held her for so long. inside my mind. what the hell do i do now? i compared so many to her. none filled her shoes. so who is their out there that can fill her void. idk? never thought i would ever see the day i never thought of her in such a way. for years i held on for no reason at all. this is for the memory of Mandy. the one i never had that chance with as i move on with a clean conscience to find mine. for once in my life giving another that chance at the real me. and yet it feels like a lifetime ago as she still lingers in ways i can not explain. hmmm? something is missing!

in da dirt

u get 1 shot 2 make it work b4 ur faced up 6' below in da mix of da dirt. deep down where da darkness lerks as it flirts wit dat 1 thing dat started ur journey, birth.... crawlin 2 walk a life givin a chance 2 smile b4 da memories kick in n fade in2 da mistakes of passed times silenlty whisper @ da well bein dats left within cryin. yes it's worth a while as this game of beat da clock's dials spin outta control as we watch da skin flake wit time tauntin ur sanity away. older n older, beaten n wiser we push on forcin da future 2 accept us as we embrace another chance 2 awaken n feel somethin other than da alternative of restin in a place lost n eventually forgotten. tasteful wishin da tongue savers da flavor as da my burns visions in2 da memeory banks dat in da end will not play a part. sittin cold n ova due 4 dat thing uv ducked n dodged 4 yrs 2 come n take ur existance from da face of da earth. we r not any better than da bugs dat r squished tryin 2 do exactly wat we've been 2 do. breath in da air. feel da wind brush across ur shin like silk as it touches a stroke of life in ur direction. slow down n find da meanin we truely we're designed 4.

face

somewhere in between never again and idling before my very own over flowing liquified eye wells.
i was hiding behind a vision of the perfect woman whom indeed in fact, has a face.
someone whom still exists as numbero uno, with shoes to be filled.
i fell quietly for 15 long neccesary years to come out okay, that's when my plans changed.
passed now focused on what i believe to be my final touches as a man, as life is so much more in focus.
once upon a time when wanting, needing, and enjoying all came into play in a mature way.
an honest, trying, and trusting manner, one that fills the room with no doubts.
becoming lost in the ways within someone that could be the end of me today.
what it is i see within her eyes tells me i got what she has been looking for as well.
a friend, confidant, lover and that one that deserves whom we have been becoming for decades.
i'm finding me searching for that one thing that is missing the emotion and feeling of real love.
hiding from all, locking my heart away for one, now set free saving face.
standing for truth, loyalty, and simply a friend, i rest well knowing im living my life.
and the only thing that doesn't lie is time, it will tell secrets of alls pasts.
as lessons are learned and moments are enjoyed with a new face emerging.
i feel a live and some what reborn as the man in me is re-emerging.

something close

opened up, stumbling into this as i am ready for use.
time to see what this thing can really do.
heart pumped, feeling this feeling once again.
hoping this time this thing gives in and won't end.
crash or burn, giving this thing a whirl.
on my finger, im going to see if it will twirl.
trying hard to find it peeking around the corners in my mind.
looking deep enough inside to squeeze out some shared time.
showing up aware and prepared for the future.
never scared, daring myself to care fro the motion feature.
accepting i do not have to be alone if i do not want to be.
i can find something close to what my dreams have appeared to be.

who i became

its funny who we become. looking back on who we were.thought we knew it all. knowing now we still have much to learn. i remember 13, i was big shit a teenager.16, i was almost grown and couldn't wait. 18, i had a kid on the way. still in high school. 21, i got alcohol poisoning and slept it off. no er for me. 25, life was telling me i was a quarter of the way to my end. 31, i finally grew up. now to be 34. i finally had a chance to be with my dream girl. did not work out the way i wanted it to by far. but made a friend. and who knows, life is not over? yet i am just looking for happiness. trying to buy time as my little ones grow. oldest about to be 15. daughter 12 and youngest almost 9. it is crazy the rods we travel. how much they change. redirected for good or worse? i say good. to go through life knowing only one way, is cheating yourself. redefining ones self every so often and changing coarse is good. finding a new walk. learning ow to cope. accepting life and it's ways it teaches. trying new things. finding more than one lover. yes! this is a good thing. one gets stronger each and every time. preparing us all for a mature relationship we can all live with someone who is on the same brain wave. the journey is what we make of it. hard times of struggle and loss makes us all who we are. and the way we deal with it molds us into the face we see in the mirror day in day out. wow. just yesterday i was hating high school. just wanted to get a job. would have rather gotten paid to be somewhere than go for free. that was my mind set. birth of my first son was 2 days before i walked the stage to receive my diploma. that one I earned. 21 came and gone with a chip on my shoulder. 22,23,24,25. my story was being told and i did not like it. but by this time Mickey came into my life and slowly woke me up. much thanks. r.i.p. by the time i was 31 i gave up. marriage was never suppose to be. did it for the wrong reasons. do not ask about the dirt i have done. there is so much. i was a dog. and i liked it. needless to say, it was over. 7.7.07 walking away with my kids under my arms. a new man. i worked on me every day from that moment on, thanks to a true friend. had a new chick that helped me figure out what love really was. just to wind up on my own once again 2 years later. falling in the fall of 09 all over again wit someone i had an oppertunity of a lifetime with. she is what a women should be. one i had waited on for years to look me way. and i was ready. a man taking on his own. done with the game. coming as true from the heart as a man real could. doing what i could to raise my young. a job. car. someone who has figured things out. i bought her a pair of diamond ear rings that i never gave her. for i was beside myself just to slowly realized it was not me she seeked. i fell alright, short. and still do not know why? and the ear rings i wear as a reminder of a time when i had my chance. the right on is Felicia and the left, Marie. but i did learn a few things from her. 1. never let anyone just walk by you without taking a good look at who they are. you never know who they are, or what they could mean to you. 2. i realized the reality in a situation between 2 grown adults in more ways than 1. and 3. i learned that i will always be secretly in love with her. through the turn of 2010 i learned more about myself than i ever have. with time to think of what i wanted. yet i had to give up on that dream. finding in march a new face that lit up my world. did not see her coming. yet to this day i am glad i met her. she picked me up out of a tough spot and revived me. fits the silhouette i carry. and the more we talk she is what i am looking for. face is different than what i thought it would be. but i can do more than work with that. she's hot. down to earth. sick like me. loves to have fun and let it hang out. who cares what anyone thinks! she thinks like me. knows time is all we have and time will give it a chance if we were to commit. so here i am. i am alive. doing well enough to maintain on my own as a real man. happy and content. open to my feelings and friends. living. being me as me. with a smile on 5.3.10. not knowing who i am yet to become?

the nice guy

always being the nice guy trying to do everything possible to maintain.
looking to spend time in ways most men don't get to reasoning behind walking in the rain.
able to show my softer side to someone who can withstand a conversation worth talking.
as i speak my mind as they do theirs in ways one can clearly be heard before ignoring.

but sometimes i just wish every now and again i could turn off the lights and forget everything.
give into the night and stop fighting for all the things that mean something.
i want to feel what it is like to slide through life with me by my side just once.
with no need to diddle as much, trying to let it all out with little hints and hunches.

i want to hate without my kids turning face, watching me fall apart for life is a true test.
stop worrying about everyone else and focus on me in a time of laying it to rest.
stopping what it is that keeps the stress keep knocking at my fucking door.
i just want some time so i can find what it is i am looking for before i freeze at the core.

but what kind of man would i be if i were to lose my weight of what appears to be leeches sucking me dry?
shove mine off on someone else so i can be as selfish as those that have everything i don't, pretending not to cry.
losing the best friends i have ever had in thing called a family in which i intend to keep.
walking alone is not a question i ask very often, yet, it must be nice not having to worry about another human beings needs.

why am i staring?

staring, admiring the expression upon your face teasing my manhood.
o how i would love to taste the smile that has been helping my mood.
caught up in googlie eyes, stuck in a daze on how it is your confusing what i was trying to do.
walking into my life consuming my world and over riding thoughts bared to think of you.loving the way you appear to the naked eye, easing inside the minds windows open for you.
now shut to keep a vision of you so alive until it needs a release of day light, letting go.
sneaking a peek from a distance that is between us always getting in the way.
one i would love to close and feel until you were to give in and want to stay.
closely watching how your face lights up at the single glance at me standing before you.
the glow lighting up in my direction shedding it's vibe on the situation we can not hide if we wanted to.

awake

stuck in the middle, always picking at what is before me that tells me it feels me.
every time i get saddled up, my mind takes over and helps the heart protect itself to stay free.
it is important to watch in curiosity of how one carries themselves on their walk and their sway.
always looking for that one who has what it takes for i am brutally awake.
unwilling to settle for just anyone who appears to be about what i am needing.
keeping those in sheep's clothing close enough yet far from out of reach, teaching.
eluding them until i get an insight of what they hide under their breathing.
never letting my guard down to those who can not comprehend a mature must of why.
without plucking at what is needing to be known deep within a strangers mind.
and somehow exploring these things with all of them i seem to come up short and yes i do know why.
i am searching in a seek and live scenario behind the eyes of whom stands with me in time.
yet things never are what they appear, repeatedly turning out to be in the moment of being right now.
i open the mind with a wide range and try defining a silhouette's shape and how it shifts from one to the next, and wow!
wanting to touch what i dream when all lights have been dismissed from a single days exhaustion.
wondering and tossing with the silence ignoring my moans of frustration getting the better of me when no one can see the implosion.
climbing aboard ones way of life is not an easy task to maintain when wanting to find each other.
so i do as i do just so i know at my end that i have indeed found something much more than a lover.
constantly pulling seems to make sure the connection in defense mode helps the tugging for comfort.
breaking down decisions, actions, and words spoken for what they are before i abort.
and communication is the key of any situation, never being left in the dark wondering what the fuck?
it is all about trust and what one does that shows in time what speaks a tale of something far above lust.
i can not help seeing things in ways others can not catch with the naked eye.
peeking a looksie at the repeating motions that if gotten to close, it could make a grown man cry.
dealing with chameleons time and time after time and again with time whispering the truth.
fighting back, stronger for the next time to hopefully hold what just may be a real friend of mine that i can get into.
putting the masks of ones passed aside to begin to side with whom they are.
keeping in mind the faces in which they wore play them like a puppet, as they just may be playing to parts.
i have been changed and i am very much awake!
guaranteed to remain untamed for self sake.

up all night with i.n.g....

long nights thinking of thoughts pounding, and wondering if it's worth hiding.
brain gripping the sounds of unspoken empty feelings of deciding.
plotting a life worth enjoying before dying inside as if it were not exciting.
describing in my mind the decaying thoughts repeating my own life, defying.
troubling the heart as if crying is the outlet for ending all that's hurting and redefining.
twisting images becoming less vibrant than imagining a perfection of a love worth admiring.
yet no such thing is sustaining hope within this shell i am awaiting in.
sitting still long enough to tell a fling from a gratifying woman pleasing the cores inner sins.
one has been once found and forgotten without second looking, left justifying a flight grounded by bad timing.
escaping into a world of learning with self expression through writing of a mistaking love that was misleading to something similar to grieving.
left dreaming of all that's worth trying to dignify my well being of how it was to allow it's happening.
reemerging as a man clinging and living with a reality speaking in a tongue tastefully explaining.
why it is who i am and why i am the way i am, for i am a man up all night.
trying to find answer to the questions riddling and rhyming inside my mind, hypnotizing with a little thing like i.n.g.... x'ing the sleeping with z's creeping.

? hmm

? hmm. questions and answers.
black and white and shades of gray.
lies, truth, and fibs.
smiles and frowns with blank stares.
opposites of the same things we feel.
trust, betrayal and deceit.
to quietly speak or verbally abuse our voices.
talk in silence, sneaky little secrets, ignoring the choices.
or became a rat fuck weasel, retrieving.
thinking or brain washed into believing.
good, evil, or something rewritten as an atheist.
the balance of man and woman, .
alive walking dead in2 the sun where the shade hides.
having sight or blinded, raped of the chance 2 see with 2 eyes.
hearing what you will or want over everything needing to be said.
struggling with trying to get you share, b4 your dead.
give face and stand for yours or turn away for sake of self.
fend or flee, turning on those who have bared knuckles 2 give you good health.
relax and on edge of everything you've ever known.
loyalty or self gratification, how do you wear your thrown?
learn and disregard info that will help the bumps upon your head.
over look or show some interest in someone willing 2 live and share a bed.
trust thy neighbor or see them for whom they are.
pretend or be real in the eyes of the earned flesh ripped scars.
you or me, bending on knees.
faith and disbelief, chasing untouched dreams.
fuck or fight til the death to live another day.
bleed or cower in2 a hole where you lay as a shaken prey.
shake firmly and fist those enemies of ones time in hard ache.
clinch or release the ignorant for all they do is hate.
give and and take form those who do nothing but want everything 4 nothing.
help and thank or fuck off with a fuck you as it becomes an endless fucking.
things that make us who we are are how we deal with adult situations.
human or what? lead me not in2 the errogent temptations
begin and end, we all have one living in the middle.
hide or stand proud of the actions we do more than diddle.

i've found my peace

remembering the tasteful words of love, as you come from out the blue,
a rose not yet bloomed you swept me from my feet and showed me something new.
without knowing you gave me everything i've never known,
giving me my final touches of sanity as you became someone i put upon a thrown.
secretly in love with you for years as if you were deserving, not earning it,
refusing to accept me as if i were just speaking another line of shit.
like men do so often as you rejected the man you didn't want to know,
not knowing i've turned out to be the best thing you may never get to hold.
and i'm moving on without you running the tables of the mind for the first time,
enjoying my piece in which i've found peace within me along side the sighs.
and the question still remains of why wasn't i good enough,
i am all man in a time where men are rare and over acting tough.
but it's all god with me as you've decided to pass me by,
because now i can get on with the rest of what i have left of my life.
after 15 years i've now have a clear head for once like i've never been able to do,
since i've met you i dreamed of the things i could do for you.
and now it's all but a dream that had a short lived life that never got a real chance to take flight,
you couldn't find me talking all that as you seen it, smooth jive.
and i'm not complaining one bit by far for any desperate outstretched reason,
i'm just blowing on by in the wind, right on by as it's breezing through the seasons.
moving along because i know my worth that you couldn't find the time to wonder why you were on my mind,
turning your head on the drop of a dime like i wasn't the man i am inside.
but yet i'm me and that's all i'll ever be until the day i die,
with or without you by my side, telling me everything will be alright.
for there will be another to fill my nights in ways she is so deserving.
living a life so damn fulfilling as we just can't get enough of it's servings.
laid out like a feast before us to enjoy like as if we were royalty in each others arms,
so know this of if you know anything at all, you'll be missed but life must go on.

cum trol

cum away-gargle gargle-swallow-yummy-i want more-u taste good-i luv eatin u-licking n suckin-n kissin-n teasin n playin-i like when u get off when i do it-oh u r the best-slurping up ur juices, coverin my face-like a glazed donut-sweet-satisfyin-soft n wet-mmm-up n down-glidin my tongue round n round-strokin-bein onewit u vaj-a friend of friends-givin it what it deserves-time n patients-clockin in-doin the job-gettin it done-eatin wit a jaw of steel-gently carressin the walls of ur anatomy-followin the sounds to ur sweet spot-waitin 4 u 2 wiggle-knowin its time-givin everything i got 2 keep my face burried so far up in u-as ur legs clinch n push me away-forcin me 2 stop b4 u lose complete cum trol.

that one

seems everyone is looking for that thornless rose like it exists.
open hearted every now and then with infectious intentions.
getting along n accepting someone other than themselves.
in anothers voice, listening for the sounds of speechless bells.
for that is what it takes to make it the distance beyond going through the motions.
past the games and the bullshit of all the worthless commotion.
being held like no one could have ever done in a million years.
not worrying about the hard times or the awaiting shedding tears.
falling in love with a stranger, getting closer than air wants to allow.
tempting time to show you how to turn your fraun upside down.
asking away at questions that time can only tell.
just wanting to be held and feel things you've never ever felt.
who can blame you in the short time you have to live in the window you can not slow down.
wanting more then anything to believe in what you have found.
finding the other half of ones self, looking for a best friend.
that one that fills the empty hollow pit and spending a life worth the time well spent.

girls on boys

nails sliding down the back, clinching needing the stroking deep and hard of fuck session 101 as it is unable to be tamed.
i won't stop until you get every inch, rubbing your pain across from within down my back, carving your name.
finger tips slipping with all the thrusting as i pound my way into your anatomy.
rolling, switching positions, giving up control for you safety, over taking you gradually.
flipping back over for the ravaging, man handled in ways you never thought you'd like by far.
pleasing the sexual tension bursting from your panties before i took them off, over flowing, feel me, i'm so fucking hard.
this thing i am giving is real, long and wide enough to fill your world and mind with the dirty little thoughts that make you want to return.
feel me penetrate as i intimidate the woman in you until you have learned.
i am not what you are use to as it shows upon my face of how much i've been wanting you.
ohh, the things i am so willing to do to someone as gratifying as you.
flirting with the skin laid upon you beautiful ever so tasteful little frame.
driving you in every which way, right and left then to the end where i'd stop before the edge and go again until you go fucking insane.
slowly breaking speed just to give it hell, my hips in a rotating motion, back and fourth and it seems my ass is touching the back of my head.
perfecting everything i've learned on my way to you late at night to the floor from the bed.
loving the moment in which we are in, vibing, letting it happen because it is a must do.
fighting for the time shared to become the only thing on your mind, because your over due.
accepting the smell of your being, grabbing hold, hair flung by the hand as i explore what no other can that a real man can.
turning you out as your on all fours, going strong as my rib begins to crack in pain.
wanting you to cum for me so i feel i've done my job, persuading you to give in.
bust for me and enjoy what it is i am, a man simply trying to make you grin.
pushing you to the point of over comed by an ease of pleasure and relief, as i can be the that one.
pulsating inside you, so far within, til the sweat rolls down and your out of breath, spent and done.
you will never be the same, waking up searching for me to come back around.
legs shaking from the walk your legs are unable to withstand.
i could be the perfect ending to a day worth living.
if given the time to properly be with the woman within you, peeking and hiding.
don't be scared, it will only hurt a little, i'd be as gentle as i could.
being girls and boys, playing an acheint little game, yet only if you would?

u

fluttering heartbeats pulsating 2 ur name as i call it out loud 2 myself in da middle of da night when im all alone.
ticklin da taste of da sound it makes , drivin me outtta my mind cuz ur not around 2 hold me close.
i want u in my arms enjoyin this feelin i have to give bouncin around inside of me like fireworks. so u can attempt 2 feel what it is i intend 2 do wit u if ur were 2 give urself 2 me in full, as we'd rewrite da book n cause our own sparks.
words can not express enough of me 2 u as i try 2 show da man i am in ways a man can not seem 2 express in modern days.
jus wantin 2 feel like a man long nuff 2 let a woman kno he 2 can b tamed as his smile can also fade.
wantin u inside of me so u can feel the feelings that i feel 4 u as our time grows shorter tryin 2 find da reasons y we've met.
i know i like u so much love could slip @ any moment as i ask y do u make me feel like this lil kid hopin 2 have found his catch.
u r driven me crazy in more ways than one all @ once confusing everthing i thought i'd always kno.
i cant diddle as the mind thinks da thoughts buildin up 2 dis outburst of true feelins cramed in2 an easy flow.
like as if my world has come 2 u in this special place we've managed 2 stand 2gether long nuff 2 wannna b n stay 2gether.
never sayin never, wantin it 2 b 4ever with words gathered in phrases ever so clever.
if u could feel the heat generating in my heart over your smile alone.
what would u do if it were 2 express its true intentions in da palm of ur hand as u held it close nuff 2 realize u could welcome it home?

(now)

yesterdays are lost, visions of those burried under the dirt the mind hides as it pretends it does not hurt. embedded into a code of remembrance burnt across the sight of dreams haunting on1 because they were cut off well before the needed to end. finalizing the present as it slips into the past, further and further as its harder than ever to recollect the faces misplaced in a window time allowed once upon a time. with its own terms pressed against your lips as you taste the emptiness over take everything good. loved ones raised and lowered. left in ruins. cringes of loss taunting and teaching you of how it would love to break you so far down. six feet if able. tomorrows are not expected, though we live for another day to love once again. cries of self pity. untamed and outspoken, screaming aloud of life's capabilities in disbelief. fair has no say so in this game of endless defeat awaiting it's time to claim it's prize in all of us left breathing it's precious air. no regrets other than wanting more time to make things right before those we embraced once upon a time knows how much they were loved. and still it could never be enough. today's place in time is all we ever have to hold and feel til it just was everything we have ever wanted. slipping from forced hands made to let go. one will never be the same after all has gone to hell. feeling desperate and fragile so far from love in a moment of confusion of how one will go on without bending to far as to letting it break you. unable to feel the arms of someone special wrapping in love like they were here forever as this world provides you with evidence why life is to short. reasons unspoken by ones end calling in their own time of being released of their very own existence. with out a goodbye ninety percent of the time. and as we parish as individuals. life pursues on like we never mattered at all. turning the long night s of loneliness into days of someone one wish they had back. and days fade back into night just to make curtain we all know we are nothing more than ash blowing in the wind. from where we came from years ago to now. we are all still the same flesh and bone no matter how much we change emotionally or mentally. and if we make it into the future, what is it you would do to make sure those around you knew what they mean to you? because time is not waiting. we can not hold onto the hands ticking around the clock. showing us our lives are escaping and ever so slowly fading. minutes falling into hours that build into days upon days forming months and years lost in time we can never get back to. and were always wanting yesterday back? always looking out for the future? pretending our now will get so much better? fuck that! my now is all i have. it is the only thing we all really have . no matter how we spend it, it remains the same. and i am going to enjoy mine.

4-23-10 mamas b-day

seems floating kisses sprung from my lips fall short,
muah's that can not reach her on rainy days,
being forced down by the drops into puddles beneath my feet,
above her unable to find the expression upon her face.

blown away by the wind far from where they were intended,
smiles lost and struggling with a tweak,
fluttering in the breeze flowing by,
misplaced in time without a friend to ease my defeat.

and the way i have been missing her is unreal,
trying to replace someone that is irreplaceable,
grieving in time as time forgets her name,
all in while her face losing ground as she is unmistakable.

without the picture to remind me of who gave me life,
she would be almost vague as time goes by,
closer to being totally gone in my time of dying,
with no one to know of her existance as i try without crying.

i attempt to help my young know who she was,
through the photos she left behind of a life cut short,
her breath stopped as we sat still taking in the empty horror,
man i wish she could walk through my door.

lift me up as she has been gone for far to long,
and this pain is only dragging on,
warm teardrops falling every year about this time,
and it is as if my love has been torn.

ripped from my chest as i am left dumbfounded,
studering without a voice standing above her once again,
at a loss of words repeating question marks over and over in my head,
wondering if i were to die tomorrow, would anyone remember her name?

(my piece-peace)

feeling it because i am human after all. emotions getting the better of me tonight.
losing touch. down in a hole to say the least. stuck in this world i have created unable to get ahead. a single dad of three struggling when alone. trying to find my way day by day. and behind these eyes i see me falling apart eventually. i feel an emptiness deep within eating at me. telling me the fight is to much. there is not enough loot coming in to maintain the necessities. this is my world smacking me in the face. and i can not get ahead. though it be so easy to walk away like so many so called men. but i can not seem to allow another man raise my young. i love them to much to turn my heart on them. and i am finding it hard to be with someone . in a normal relationship because they deserve a real woman's touch. touch meaning someone can maintain and help hold it down. but i do not see it happening before they leave me old and to late for love. trying to find a new life with someone because my old one i gave my everything, seemed to come to an end. as i remember the lonely nights and pain i felt making the bills. wanting it no other way but possible having someone to fill my nights. i do not live a typical mans life. it is more like a single moms way of life. and even this is holding me down. jobs not interested because i might have to take time off because i have three kids that might get sick. good jobs that hold them against me. i know what it is. my work record is pretty good. good references. and yet? it sucks ass. i want the finer things in life as well. it just seems those with kids are somehow held down when things do not work out and separate lives are being lived because it just did not work out. i do not get child support. i do not care for i have my kids. i do the best i can. squeaking by. running out of everything fast. i sure am glad i am good with the greenbacks. i would be in a world of hurt right about now. i think i just need to join forces with someone who can do the same. mature enough to keep her head. because there is so much more to me than being laid up in comfort, as nice as that may be. my mind works in ways that understands the concept and importance of the meaning of how this world works. and i am willing to do my part plus some. i just have not been that fortunate as of yet. even though i try and i look for new opportunities. i will be 45 when my youngest walks his stage to entering this worlds wrath. as i would have done what i could for him to prepare him for what he may see or endure or find along his way. 45, wow! i just may be alone just that long. because i a m looking for something within someone. and i will not stop til i find it. i will not say what it is. that way it can not be imitated. it will be as real as it presents itself. i know what i want. i know what i seek. i found it once. and it slipped away. finding it twice is going to be a task. for whoever decides to fill those shoes id going to have to be one hell of a woman. as i would expect them to want the same in a man. allowing each other to be self in full. but like i said i do not see it happening any time soon. and it is no ones fault. it is just what it is. i am not 21 anymore.i am not 26, nor am i 31. i am closing in on my mid thirties. and i feel i have failed. i feel i am not enough and have to much baggage with not enough money. but on the other hand i believe i am one hell of a man, dad, person, realist, lover, partner, and friend because i took a look at myself one day. and in that mirror i found in camouflage, something i could not believe. i found me waking up with my world around me falling apart because i was not yet a man. and i have done everything within my grasp to become just that. i molded myself within my childrens eyes, someone whom the like a whole lot more. i feel respected in their minds and loved in their hearts. touching a piece of them that will live on long after i am dead and gone. this i know. what i do not know is what i am to do in the present with two clinching fists that refuse to let go. yet, does not know how to ease the tension and find a way to enjoy the time i have left to live. it is harder than i thought. always worrying. thinking. trying to pay the bills from stretched dollars, ripping and falling into coins saved for a rainy day. what to do without that second income? without that one person that fits good enough to make the ends last. and still be able to smile come morning looking at my ugly mug. i have grown up and am ready. it might sound like i am desperate, but this i am not. i am just ready to get this thing going with someone who can relate regardless of age. that does not matter anymore. as long as she is truly about it and is a real woman. because i am all man. broke here recenlty by someone that gave me my final touch of sanity. (FMA) opening my mind as i so needed. i just wish she knew how much of a thank you i owe her. and how i would love to be. yet i will stay forever in her debt. always a friend in the hardest of times. i do not believe in much. but i do believe everyone has a reason why they come into our lives. most make you stronger. some show you how to love.(TEP) others keep you on your toes. and then there are those who teach you something you need to know. adding to your arsenal. giving you the power and strength to keep moving along. and i am on the watch for that one because my minds sight has finally come into focus. and i am able to see why we must do as we do in a mature manor of being human. i get it. but what is it i am lacking for my circle to come around full swing and allow me to be happy? because it is hard for the profile i fit, yet am not one bit like. only if one knew. i have to much depth to wear another mans shoes and start all over again. if just given the time to be found as i write this piece of my inner self trying to explain where it is i am coming from. looking for just that. (my piece-peace) landing in a curious enough ear to hear me speak of who i am as time will show just that..

no where to be found

sittin round pokin fun @ myself cuz im bored as hell.
aint got shit 2 do but feel on me n no1 can tell.
i need sumtin 2 do b4 i lose my cool.
i feel like an empty soul n a lonely fool.
sumtin aint right half the time.
seems im lookin 4 sumtin dat cant fit me rhymes.
postin like an addict i feel me wearin away.
constantly feenin 4 sum1 2 look my way.
not jus any1 by far, im not desperate.
but by sum1 dat can stop it.
cuz my fingers r tired of my minds way of thinkin.
they jus wanna bottle so we can get 2 drinkin.
u dont kno how it feels or maybe u do.
2 jus want sum1 to get lost in u.
n yet their no where 2 b found.
like as if they left without a sound.
leavin dreams untouched b4 enjoyed the way they should.
passed by n ova looked bcuz of a category 1 fits fuckin up his mood.
sux azz is wat i say on a daily.
but jus maybe, its all in da way i find my baby.
feelin torchered for other mens ways of how theyve done their thing.
set on da back burner cuz i look like i jus wanna fling.
but time will give in n give me mine.
it's jus a matter of time.

whew!

wet, 2 say the least. i can see it as your spread about upon the sheets. staring and giving that look the way i like. and from the looks of your eyes, it is going 2 be a slow ride as i attempt 2 blow your mind. erotic lust, vibrating moans. wanting 2 get at that thing that can make us explode. breathing deep in2 the ear. as your glare pulls and edges me ever so near. ready 2 do all the things we've been waiting 2 do. you've opened up and are wanting 2 feel me deep within you. but i must slow my roll and make you wait, so this night will will remember as your great escape. for i have 2 please you first. as i plan 2 try and relieve my thirst. way down between your thighs. in the valley where my tongue likes 2 hide.
playing peek-a-boo watching you squirm in the movement of the motions as you try 2 fight.
thinking of how i can create a masterpiece with a simple stroke, oh so right. playing with the sounds that tickle the ear by human nature. from your woman within , as i control your weather. making the winds pick up, the thunder growl, and the water flow from above. taunting and teasing your love. as i am taking my time 2 feel you wiggle. i am just trying 2 keep this thing we're doing simple. as hard as it may be 2 not 2 take you now. as hard as i am wanting 2 help you and show you how. ease on back as your spine arches upward feeling my presents. believing in what i can do as there is no resistance. time consuming as it is i hear my song, and i enjoy tasting it for it is what i 'v wished for o so long. lock jaw and all i will not give in, til you've had enough and want me 2 put it in. gripping at my head you grab my hair. pulling me up to share what i intend 2 bare. hovering i slide in easy enough and ever so slow. showing you how my manhood as a man is so full grown. pushing and pulling, slipping and sliding. thrusting i am wanting you in perfect timing. going for long moments, and longer sessions at a time, faster then slower. creeping, picking up speed as your nails are clinging, wanting more and more. closer and closer we accept one another in an act of lust. guard down and pulsating we begin 2 trust at what love intends 2 do with us. we've found what it is we've long 2 explore. an experience like no other, leaving our clothes at the door. as sweet passionate moans and groans fill the room. listening 2 the bed go boom, boom, boom. working, i give you everything i am. wanting 2 express 2 you how i feel as i begin 2 ram. heavy panting, toes higher than ever, in the air. allowing me 2 penetrate you so far in between and way up in there. touching places you didn't know existed. clawing at my back, double fisted as if you've missing this. sweat pouring, tasting lips, sucking of the neck. all in an act of
turning you on, making you a nervous wreck.
releasing all the days stress you've built up through the day.
as i am lending myself 2 you so you are able 2 maintain. and the time has come 2 feel a miracle waiting 2 happen as we were meant 2 share. together, busting, climaxing, ahhh! losing control of all functions because we cared 2 dare. whew! we are a perfect pair.