who i became

its funny who we become. looking back on who we were.thought we knew it all. knowing now we still have much to learn. i remember 13, i was big shit a teenager.16, i was almost grown and couldn't wait. 18, i had a kid on the way. still in high school. 21, i got alcohol poisoning and slept it off. no er for me. 25, life was telling me i was a quarter of the way to my end. 31, i finally grew up. now to be 34. i finally had a chance to be with my dream girl. did not work out the way i wanted it to by far. but made a friend. and who knows, life is not over? yet i am just looking for happiness. trying to buy time as my little ones grow. oldest about to be 15. daughter 12 and youngest almost 9. it is crazy the rods we travel. how much they change. redirected for good or worse? i say good. to go through life knowing only one way, is cheating yourself. redefining ones self every so often and changing coarse is good. finding a new walk. learning ow to cope. accepting life and it's ways it teaches. trying new things. finding more than one lover. yes! this is a good thing. one gets stronger each and every time. preparing us all for a mature relationship we can all live with someone who is on the same brain wave. the journey is what we make of it. hard times of struggle and loss makes us all who we are. and the way we deal with it molds us into the face we see in the mirror day in day out. wow. just yesterday i was hating high school. just wanted to get a job. would have rather gotten paid to be somewhere than go for free. that was my mind set. birth of my first son was 2 days before i walked the stage to receive my diploma. that one I earned. 21 came and gone with a chip on my shoulder. 22,23,24,25. my story was being told and i did not like it. but by this time Mickey came into my life and slowly woke me up. much thanks. r.i.p. by the time i was 31 i gave up. marriage was never suppose to be. did it for the wrong reasons. do not ask about the dirt i have done. there is so much. i was a dog. and i liked it. needless to say, it was over. 7.7.07 walking away with my kids under my arms. a new man. i worked on me every day from that moment on, thanks to a true friend. had a new chick that helped me figure out what love really was. just to wind up on my own once again 2 years later. falling in the fall of 09 all over again wit someone i had an oppertunity of a lifetime with. she is what a women should be. one i had waited on for years to look me way. and i was ready. a man taking on his own. done with the game. coming as true from the heart as a man real could. doing what i could to raise my young. a job. car. someone who has figured things out. i bought her a pair of diamond ear rings that i never gave her. for i was beside myself just to slowly realized it was not me she seeked. i fell alright, short. and still do not know why? and the ear rings i wear as a reminder of a time when i had my chance. the right on is Felicia and the left, Marie. but i did learn a few things from her. 1. never let anyone just walk by you without taking a good look at who they are. you never know who they are, or what they could mean to you. 2. i realized the reality in a situation between 2 grown adults in more ways than 1. and 3. i learned that i will always be secretly in love with her. through the turn of 2010 i learned more about myself than i ever have. with time to think of what i wanted. yet i had to give up on that dream. finding in march a new face that lit up my world. did not see her coming. yet to this day i am glad i met her. she picked me up out of a tough spot and revived me. fits the silhouette i carry. and the more we talk she is what i am looking for. face is different than what i thought it would be. but i can do more than work with that. she's hot. down to earth. sick like me. loves to have fun and let it hang out. who cares what anyone thinks! she thinks like me. knows time is all we have and time will give it a chance if we were to commit. so here i am. i am alive. doing well enough to maintain on my own as a real man. happy and content. open to my feelings and friends. living. being me as me. with a smile on 5.3.10. not knowing who i am yet to become?