feeling it because i am human after all. emotions getting the better of me tonight.
losing touch. down in a hole to say the least. stuck in this world i have created unable to get ahead. a single dad of three struggling when alone. trying to find my way day by day. and behind these eyes i see me falling apart eventually. i feel an emptiness deep within eating at me. telling me the fight is to much. there is not enough loot coming in to maintain the necessities. this is my world smacking me in the face. and i can not get ahead. though it be so easy to walk away like so many so called men. but i can not seem to allow another man raise my young. i love them to much to turn my heart on them. and i am finding it hard to be with someone . in a normal relationship because they deserve a real woman's touch. touch meaning someone can maintain and help hold it down. but i do not see it happening before they leave me old and to late for love. trying to find a new life with someone because my old one i gave my everything, seemed to come to an end. as i remember the lonely nights and pain i felt making the bills. wanting it no other way but possible having someone to fill my nights. i do not live a typical mans life. it is more like a single moms way of life. and even this is holding me down. jobs not interested because i might have to take time off because i have three kids that might get sick. good jobs that hold them against me. i know what it is. my work record is pretty good. good references. and yet? it sucks ass. i want the finer things in life as well. it just seems those with kids are somehow held down when things do not work out and separate lives are being lived because it just did not work out. i do not get child support. i do not care for i have my kids. i do the best i can. squeaking by. running out of everything fast. i sure am glad i am good with the greenbacks. i would be in a world of hurt right about now. i think i just need to join forces with someone who can do the same. mature enough to keep her head. because there is so much more to me than being laid up in comfort, as nice as that may be. my mind works in ways that understands the concept and importance of the meaning of how this world works. and i am willing to do my part plus some. i just have not been that fortunate as of yet. even though i try and i look for new opportunities. i will be 45 when my youngest walks his stage to entering this worlds wrath. as i would have done what i could for him to prepare him for what he may see or endure or find along his way. 45, wow! i just may be alone just that long. because i a m looking for something within someone. and i will not stop til i find it. i will not say what it is. that way it can not be imitated. it will be as real as it presents itself. i know what i want. i know what i seek. i found it once. and it slipped away. finding it twice is going to be a task. for whoever decides to fill those shoes id going to have to be one hell of a woman. as i would expect them to want the same in a man. allowing each other to be self in full. but like i said i do not see it happening any time soon. and it is no ones fault. it is just what it is. i am not 21 anymore.i am not 26, nor am i 31. i am closing in on my mid thirties. and i feel i have failed. i feel i am not enough and have to much baggage with not enough money. but on the other hand i believe i am one hell of a man, dad, person, realist, lover, partner, and friend because i took a look at myself one day. and in that mirror i found in camouflage, something i could not believe. i found me waking up with my world around me falling apart because i was not yet a man. and i have done everything within my grasp to become just that. i molded myself within my childrens eyes, someone whom the like a whole lot more. i feel respected in their minds and loved in their hearts. touching a piece of them that will live on long after i am dead and gone. this i know. what i do not know is what i am to do in the present with two clinching fists that refuse to let go. yet, does not know how to ease the tension and find a way to enjoy the time i have left to live. it is harder than i thought. always worrying. thinking. trying to pay the bills from stretched dollars, ripping and falling into coins saved for a rainy day. what to do without that second income? without that one person that fits good enough to make the ends last. and still be able to smile come morning looking at my ugly mug. i have grown up and am ready. it might sound like i am desperate, but this i am not. i am just ready to get this thing going with someone who can relate regardless of age. that does not matter anymore. as long as she is truly about it and is a real woman. because i am all man. broke here recenlty by someone that gave me my final touch of sanity. (FMA) opening my mind as i so needed. i just wish she knew how much of a thank you i owe her. and how i would love to be. yet i will stay forever in her debt. always a friend in the hardest of times. i do not believe in much. but i do believe everyone has a reason why they come into our lives. most make you stronger. some show you how to love.(TEP) others keep you on your toes. and then there are those who teach you something you need to know. adding to your arsenal. giving you the power and strength to keep moving along. and i am on the watch for that one because my minds sight has finally come into focus. and i am able to see why we must do as we do in a mature manor of being human. i get it. but what is it i am lacking for my circle to come around full swing and allow me to be happy? because it is hard for the profile i fit, yet am not one bit like. only if one knew. i have to much depth to wear another mans shoes and start all over again. if just given the time to be found as i write this piece of my inner self trying to explain where it is i am coming from. looking for just that. (my piece-peace) landing in a curious enough ear to hear me speak of who i am as time will show just that..
losing touch. down in a hole to say the least. stuck in this world i have created unable to get ahead. a single dad of three struggling when alone. trying to find my way day by day. and behind these eyes i see me falling apart eventually. i feel an emptiness deep within eating at me. telling me the fight is to much. there is not enough loot coming in to maintain the necessities. this is my world smacking me in the face. and i can not get ahead. though it be so easy to walk away like so many so called men. but i can not seem to allow another man raise my young. i love them to much to turn my heart on them. and i am finding it hard to be with someone . in a normal relationship because they deserve a real woman's touch. touch meaning someone can maintain and help hold it down. but i do not see it happening before they leave me old and to late for love. trying to find a new life with someone because my old one i gave my everything, seemed to come to an end. as i remember the lonely nights and pain i felt making the bills. wanting it no other way but possible having someone to fill my nights. i do not live a typical mans life. it is more like a single moms way of life. and even this is holding me down. jobs not interested because i might have to take time off because i have three kids that might get sick. good jobs that hold them against me. i know what it is. my work record is pretty good. good references. and yet? it sucks ass. i want the finer things in life as well. it just seems those with kids are somehow held down when things do not work out and separate lives are being lived because it just did not work out. i do not get child support. i do not care for i have my kids. i do the best i can. squeaking by. running out of everything fast. i sure am glad i am good with the greenbacks. i would be in a world of hurt right about now. i think i just need to join forces with someone who can do the same. mature enough to keep her head. because there is so much more to me than being laid up in comfort, as nice as that may be. my mind works in ways that understands the concept and importance of the meaning of how this world works. and i am willing to do my part plus some. i just have not been that fortunate as of yet. even though i try and i look for new opportunities. i will be 45 when my youngest walks his stage to entering this worlds wrath. as i would have done what i could for him to prepare him for what he may see or endure or find along his way. 45, wow! i just may be alone just that long. because i a m looking for something within someone. and i will not stop til i find it. i will not say what it is. that way it can not be imitated. it will be as real as it presents itself. i know what i want. i know what i seek. i found it once. and it slipped away. finding it twice is going to be a task. for whoever decides to fill those shoes id going to have to be one hell of a woman. as i would expect them to want the same in a man. allowing each other to be self in full. but like i said i do not see it happening any time soon. and it is no ones fault. it is just what it is. i am not 21 anymore.i am not 26, nor am i 31. i am closing in on my mid thirties. and i feel i have failed. i feel i am not enough and have to much baggage with not enough money. but on the other hand i believe i am one hell of a man, dad, person, realist, lover, partner, and friend because i took a look at myself one day. and in that mirror i found in camouflage, something i could not believe. i found me waking up with my world around me falling apart because i was not yet a man. and i have done everything within my grasp to become just that. i molded myself within my childrens eyes, someone whom the like a whole lot more. i feel respected in their minds and loved in their hearts. touching a piece of them that will live on long after i am dead and gone. this i know. what i do not know is what i am to do in the present with two clinching fists that refuse to let go. yet, does not know how to ease the tension and find a way to enjoy the time i have left to live. it is harder than i thought. always worrying. thinking. trying to pay the bills from stretched dollars, ripping and falling into coins saved for a rainy day. what to do without that second income? without that one person that fits good enough to make the ends last. and still be able to smile come morning looking at my ugly mug. i have grown up and am ready. it might sound like i am desperate, but this i am not. i am just ready to get this thing going with someone who can relate regardless of age. that does not matter anymore. as long as she is truly about it and is a real woman. because i am all man. broke here recenlty by someone that gave me my final touch of sanity. (FMA) opening my mind as i so needed. i just wish she knew how much of a thank you i owe her. and how i would love to be. yet i will stay forever in her debt. always a friend in the hardest of times. i do not believe in much. but i do believe everyone has a reason why they come into our lives. most make you stronger. some show you how to love.(TEP) others keep you on your toes. and then there are those who teach you something you need to know. adding to your arsenal. giving you the power and strength to keep moving along. and i am on the watch for that one because my minds sight has finally come into focus. and i am able to see why we must do as we do in a mature manor of being human. i get it. but what is it i am lacking for my circle to come around full swing and allow me to be happy? because it is hard for the profile i fit, yet am not one bit like. only if one knew. i have to much depth to wear another mans shoes and start all over again. if just given the time to be found as i write this piece of my inner self trying to explain where it is i am coming from. looking for just that. (my piece-peace) landing in a curious enough ear to hear me speak of who i am as time will show just that..
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