something is missing

im jus not feelin it 2night. my smile has seemed 2 fade away. my heads hung as my eyes drift. i feel alone. but not in a bad way. it just feels like iv lost a best friend. empty n hollow. slow breaths of questions left at a standstill. i got a hole in me as the sun is going down. wanting a bottle 2 ease my mind of all the things i can not forget. its like everyone is so fucking far away. i don't think i could look myself in the eyes if i tried. its not on a level of feeling sorry 4 myself. i just wish things were different in so many ways. n my brain wont let me rest. as if its trying to cover all the basics before its laid to rest. im just not wanting anything tonight. and i just don't know why. i can't help giving up and just letting this night have it's way with me for once. i don't feel like me. something is missing from somewhere in me. and i can not seem to find it. i got a good life. and hope to keep this thing moving as long as possible. but tonight, i just want this world to forget me as it always does. no one seems to think twice of my existence. standing beside myself most of the time. pretending it doesn't bother me. able to keep from showing it. yet i know her name. she's from a long time ago. someone i have no business thinking of. but i released her form my thoughts a couple months ago. of all the possibilities that roamed. from within. and now i'm left felling this way. caving in. lost. i held her for so long. inside my mind. what the hell do i do now? i compared so many to her. none filled her shoes. so who is their out there that can fill her void. idk? never thought i would ever see the day i never thought of her in such a way. for years i held on for no reason at all. this is for the memory of Mandy. the one i never had that chance with as i move on with a clean conscience to find mine. for once in my life giving another that chance at the real me. and yet it feels like a lifetime ago as she still lingers in ways i can not explain. hmmm? something is missing!