life ain't no fun no more... it's jus lost the feel of wanting to open doors... all i do is find humor to hide how i truly feel... n alone is the ends of myself standing pretending expressions are real... the solitude stings in paces i cannot reach... n it's rare that i even have dreams... as thoughts throughout the day eat at my mind... feeding on my presence trapped behind walls for no one to find... n it's not the pain i fear but the letting go of the one thing that gave comfort a change... me, i fear it's me that will get lost if life was to once again get rearranged... i've pushed away some good ones to keep a promise i will forever keep... as it hurts to sit alone night after night with nothing but memories that flee... it's not like they mean anything... nor do they have any beneficial factors to remind self of why they must leave... thinking what is there to do to entertain the silence reaching for my thoughts... shit jus ain't the same as it was before i got stuck in this pause... finding contentment without another to share time with... i accept this is the way it hasta be until i can rebuild a foundation for my kids... yet, there's moments i suck it up knowing i need a friend... as day dreaming is the only source of escape to get away from heart's relentless mend... conflicting with a mental outlook to protect what i have to do... i shield myself from any attempt to get close enough to become a use... attachments are forbidden as it wouldn't be fair to lead someone on... so in my lane i stay fora better cause to be born... fighting to feel something knowing i am not allowed... remembering when everything fell apart who it was that suffered without ever making a sound... for there is no bottle to turn upside down to drown out the sorrows created by the deciding vote... i am to live in my own torture long enough so my young can prosper n grow... avoiding contact due to i cannot fail... telling others single is great knowing the lie is a cover so i can't be derailed... as the ache lingers within... worth every sensitive nerve wanting to truly grin... i have people believing i do not care to open up... that there's not a chance i'd ever again give in to luv... in my make believe world i am ok... hiding from myself in every boring azz fuckin day going to waste... facing myself in the mirror as my eyes speak the truth... but no one will ever see me come unglued... my seams are tight n my will is strong... no matter the torment that finds me lost behind doors jus moving along... i faded into the shadows to correct my way of life... bound n determined to adjust to the grind... as it has taken control of every aspect of who i am wanting the joys to come... n all i want is someone to come along n feel me n know what they want... though it isn't in my cards to give false hopes... so in the dark where vibrations a re heard i havta deal with my choice to ignore the moans... the sighs put on mute as if they're dead... n as for the sounds of voices beating in my head... the wait is unbearable to say the least... all i have is my word that i intend to keep...
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