ilu...

i wish u could feel my tears... of the pain i hold inside... knowin i fucked up... knowin my heart is gonna commit unwanted suicide... i can feel it n there's somethin wrong... it's gettin worse... flutters of some sort wake me at night... as i cry knowin my kids are gonna hurt... i don't know if it's givin out... idk know what it is... pops has seven stints... n mama died of a massive heart attack from this shit... today is her bday n i am scared... my babies will be alone in this world without me if i go... n all i'm tryin to do is bounce back in time to give them a better life... my chest at times feels strange to say the least... about two to three times a week... work doesn't help... stress i know ads to this condition... n there's times i weep knowin one day as it could be soon mine are gonna feel what i felt the day mama left this world... i don't wanna go... n it's not bcuz i do not believe in gods.. it's bcuz my three loves i know will die inside... so i stay strong n tell them nothin of what i feel... i wish my time here is longer than what i have in my mind... i don't want them to be torn in pain if my pump goes... i'm afraid n i can't tell no one... as i even make reasons not to be in relations... it wouldn't be fair to give hope to someone else n havta perish in their life... i'm havin a hard enough time with the thought of x kat n punk livin without me... i don't wanna leave them here the way my mama left me.... i know how that felt n it's killin me... i wake up everyday thankful for a chance to get after a future for mine... believe me  as i say, i haven't a clue on the condition of my heart... all i know is it's not lettin up... sometimes it's in the middle of the day... n there's been a couple of times i've gotten light headed... i do have a irregular heartbeat... it's horrifyin the way i live in silence away from this world...tryin to piece back together life... jus wantin a home for mine to come to before it's to late... as i write this with a slight ache... i can feel it... n i don't wanna die... but if do, someone please be there for mine... i luv u x kat n punk like there's nothin else in this world that exists... n i'm tryin to make things normal for us all... i'm sorry in advance if i don't make it in time... but please know dad luv's u n i'm desperately tryin... i know this world is bitter n cruel but promise me you'll live as if i were here if the day comes to soon that i'm unable to tell u, ilu...