From them back then til now...

Lookin at the past n thinking where it is I've been... Lost in eyes n tryin to find a friend... Got swept under the rug n sidestepped for substances n it hurt... Only to find honesty in their words... My back has been exposed n dug into by imaginary blades... Guess those are the kind they can't admit was inserted into the severance of my name... I have my all n reminded wantin to stand true... N before those two there was an other that changed bcuz of booze...as I bypassed the good ones that couldn't play the way I'd like... Then again the time of day was never given outside my mind... As running through females was a thing I let go of... All for a chance at a lil thing called luv... As I sit now lookin back at how I went all out to show jus one of them what they had in me... As not a one could let down the substances they seeked... N I peek behind my thoughts to where I thought was emotion openin up... Thinkin it could've been but it turned into nothin more than touch...  Leavin a void for it was I that didn't love that life... I lost a couple of gf's n yes even my wife... As I stand on the come up of yet an other woman who doesn't have an addiction I havta fight... She comes with a reason in which I don't havta lose my mind... So through my 20's I was a dawg n can't remember all of their names... As the war stories of sexual intent wound me up in my 30's lookin for passion fame... For here jus past that 40 mark I jus may have found that neva endin feel... For nothin til now has ever been real... Levels of worth went unnoticed even as I was forced to walk away... U see, I'm jus that type I don't wanna stray... I don't like change n jus wanna ease back n be felt through somethin as callin as sayin us... Goin over what used to be as sit jus want enough... Sad it is bcuz I peed myself out n watch feet not only of luv'rs but those the knew walk on how I truly felt... As for each of them my heart dripped as it was to melt... They knew but didn't care that they had something rare bein willin to be given to them n then alone... As with them they misplaced home... In lifestyles n others that tore is apart... As life's is playin out n I'm rubbin skins again tryin not to go to hard... Jus bcuz idk if it's me that send them over the edge... They keep coming back jus bcuz I ain't dead... So as for the strings that need to be cut... I'm still not in a rush... Anything can happen n I'm open to the feel of it comin into focus... Yet I know who's who n the meanin of worthless...