Abandonment...

Waking from a dream, scared n distraught from self. Distant n running even from life that awaits when eyes open can't help. Coming back to the feeling of alone that haunts the heart. Lingering from behind the subconscious like a tool used to tare me apart. As sleep isn't a friend for it turns on the fear in catastrophic ways. Nights I avoid yet it's worse in the linger of the length of ongoing days. Wanting that comfort. Running from the a chance to meet a succor. So it's back to dreamland to escape the endless cycle of hope. The desperation in it is just to much just staring at thy phone. Wondering in the fade to darkness will I be subjected to the ache of abandonment waiting in the balance.  It's as if r world outside gives behind the curtain upon the stage that had a window with a valance. One way in n one way out. As bars capture the depths that silently pound. With the breaking under pressure of wanting to simply enjoy life. Even daydreams have a horror about them that creates a total shut down as if I'm blind. I just wanna be free to let loose n concur what hold serious back. So the dreaming isn't the only thing I try to run to when I too collapse. When I too need an embrace to shield me from myself. Extracting the disbelief in others n giving something with being felt. Deep within moments where I wanna disappear at if the wind. Fearful n horrified by an innocent touch that can destroy women n men. I awaken to an eerie presence where I don't wanna know my reality. With the lights off just sitting still bcuz I do not have immortality. This is it, is the thought that I can hear in the dark. This is life n it's not much when there's no flame to be sparked. No connection that teaches without trying to enjoy something more. All bcuz I refuse to trust emotion walls back out the door. As I chase it into lalaland where it every so often decides to hunt. N I'm the one not wanting to be found in my own mind do beneath the trans of rested grunts. Damn if that place n this one aren't exactly the same. As I toss in bed not wanting either to know my name. So the taunting isn't a chatter the stalks me like prey. Whispering in the shadows of how no one ever, as is, remains. N there's that unwanted drift of let downs once again. Playing in alternate worlds that I can't say is my happy place bcuz I cannot make a stand. I'm unable to look into a set of eyes n allow them to lie. The pain it causes is dagger to life. A shattering hour glass that ends it all. As I am motionless n agitated by the slightest fall. Of the descending into luv where truths wait to change. Knowing to die alone is ones own fate. As even years are dried up n never are to be shed in acceptance of how things must be. When all I wanna do is have one good fuckin dream. To come true before the inevitable takes me away. Lost in a foreverness of nothing that replicates the expressions upon my face...