breaking the silence...

i try to explain to the one in the mirror i am worthy of luv... yet it's my own choices in others i jus cannot trust... i give n ask for nothing but willingness so i know who they are... n every fuckin time i turn around they clinch on n rip out my heart... so why does it feel i'm missing something when my comfort rests without the chaos of others.?. when i avoid even the lil things in between so called luv'rs... i attempt to stare at myself n find things wrong with me... jus to have a reason why i shouldn't want the craving of needs... but i always turn from my reflection knowing my emotion is goin to waste... n the reaction of my demeanor has a distasteful display... i cannot seem to accept those who have tried to get close... some have people around them i find a discomfort i'd rather leave alone... as some live lifestyle i feel are not on my terms... n somehow i'm the one who is the bad guy for my honesty using pinpoint words... i don't like to look at myself very much... jus bcuz i can see what i hide beneath the surface awaiting luv... n i believe it's me for the most part as i witness how people claim to be... it's jus when it comes to them there's a specific thing in which i dream... as it's something i'll never mention to no one for i wanna see it face to face... it's the one thing i can relate to when being close enough to say someones name... i'd really enjoy some company if conditions would set us free... able to jus live n find a way of life that fits us both before the end of it rips us from the seams... n yet expressions refuse to appear for i haven't been able to fall back in... bringing about questions of wtf to why i reside from within... maybe it's not me as i take a gander at so many not knowing they act like everyone else... stuck in a mindset that confuses my state of mind to the point they simply jus aren't felt.. n the ones who are are either attracted to someone else or don't fit my crave... in lesser words i'd like to tell myself it's time to get at an even trade... but i don't know who's who or even if they're on my level of mental recognition's... all i know is there's a connectivity somewhere that defines my of intuitions... as i sit n drift on the thoughts of where's my luv to go if i cannot laugh.?. if i cannot smile, it's jus another past...