in disbelief

i've dug deep. reached down and came up with me in my face.
forced myself to grow up. all because i didn't like my own taste.
made choices thats altered my life. tried changes for the better.
came up empty handed. & it looks i'm once again closer to never.
patience lost for the umpton time. hands sliding away from the grip.
permanently scared by the sounds of goodbye. will it ever be my time?
burying myself in arms letting loose. falling with a crooked spine.
i've crossed me in the dark. seen a stranger i didn't wanna see.
left him standing as just that. walking i'm trying to find a new breath to breathe.
but the search is costly. nothing ever stays the same.
where's my shine to ease the pain? bring pleasure to a man giving his all.
checking self to guide the ends into the future. instead i'm rubbed raw.
fighting for a chance to have that one thing. as me as i am.
but it doesn't seem to speak in my favor. when all i'm wanting is in a touch of a hand.
i'm lost in the sauce. freaking out & shutting down inside of me.
confused. i'm in disbelief.