feelin pist

pain n rage formed by hateful ways.
attempting 2 destroy everything uv gained.
words flowing in spiteful filth.
spit n discussed another luv has been milked.
rounds of ammo fired upon da ears.
sinking in2 da heart n forming fear.
rising 2 da occasion of retreat.
unwilling 2 face one has been beat.
ova ridin by giving in 2 da possibilities dat no longer exist.
left empty n fuming feeling pist.
getting even lays heavy on the mind.
choking on emotion unable 2 hide.
thoughts n repent flow like wildfires.
spreading more rapidly than desire.
hurt or b hurt 4 da last damn time.
ova da bullshit as one walks on by.

something more

everlasting. worth more than words can speak. so why do i try and explain when def ears do not understand it's ring? attempting to get my point across through every different little way. playing games with words. as i reconstruct and connect them into new phrases one can listen and feel before it is to late. always looking for that angle that breaks through. pushing one into a new way of thinking. crossing boundaries unable to be passed in an immature state of mind. i am trying to create a whole new reason for the struggle of the fight. one worth the end as it is coming. more than feeling can give. more than the head understands. something more than i have ever felt. human nature at it's best. giving more. accepting the thrill of being loved. wrapped more than physically. something emotion can not do without. something more than a dream. unspeakable things. spoken straight to the heart. as the mind confides in the reality of being enjoyed. accepted for what it has become. gently gliding on forward as this thing is more. so much more than something that can be thought up or imagined. releasing all the good within. fighting for another breathe of someone else's lips upon the neck. driven crazy. something like that. something more one the lines of love being jealous. dropping tears because it thought it figured it out. smiling because someone has found their way.

pep talk to the heart

don't stop keep pumping. it will be okay. stay with me.do what your doing. beat. feel a little something.live damn it. do not shut down on me now. it will come. have patience.wait it out. do not break down.giving up is not an option. pain is only temporary. you will see. pulsate my skin. be true and i will show you the way. i got this. it is in the bag as you are in my chest. slowly dying. trying to find a second half. whats the use if your unwilling to give it your all? i need a little help on this one from your end. what do you say? can i count on you or is it to late?

10.31.10

This is for October 31st. As I sit here on a cool sunny morning in the year of 2010. I feel the need to do more with this thing called life slowly slipping away. I'm 34 and still as of yet, I am not where I want to be. Things are not how I imagined them. Happy I am. But there is so much more to this ride I have not experienced. Little things I would really love to endure. And even though I do not know how to slide myself into such positions. I am looking for the opportunities given. Some how some way I will be and do the little things I dream of.

thick of the gray

when the clouds have landed n fog appears to have smoked out the minds sight. forcing the thoughts to talk n speak of all the little things in which i put aside. listening in the thick of the gray of it all, i sit silently as my eyes fill with the realization if you never coming back into my life. visibility blinded by time searching for ways to shack this hazy effect in which i to am dying. watching in a daze as my state of mind creeps up on me never lying. surrounded by the confusion of likeliness that we shall meet again in some distant place in space n time. i am impaired. awake n dreaming of thinking thoughts i always thunk. trying to shield the pupal from the sting grazing the retinas, shutting the lids. sucking in the taste of myself very own relapse,i drift into the past where you are still alive. exhaling to find it is just me playing in between the lines, cracks, and creases of all the little things i hide form this world in a place where you can shine. blowing my mind outside itself as i look back at my face wishing life was somewhat different. and nothing feels fine. appearing to have pain expressed upon it once again. i can barley see through overcast that has landed in front of me. i look lost without you, but no one will ever know. for the help blazing in my hand will fade at its end and you will be gone when the burning substance as it is no longer lit. giving way to clear sky's where i see you within even more clouds as your memory stays and pushes me along my way. living without you day to day.

the only place 2 be

if there were a heaven n i stood at its gates of gold that has no value in its promised land of righteousness. go figure? id stand with my birds on, blazin my thoughts of a frre mind as id probably be cast outta its rhelm of idiocy fallin in2 hopefully the exact spot lucipher crashed in2 a lil piece of earth and sunk in2 his own demise. then n there id look in2 his eyes n say, i feel ur pain. we a retaliate in our own special way. gettin even 2 equal out the playin field of bitter betrayal. then od crawl back outta his hole he cannot escape n accept how the sun is pourin life upon my face. it is the only place 2 be. the only in which it s worth smilin n feelin any damn thing.

i feel ur

i feel ur heartbeat grab @ me thru ur skin.
reachin 4 somethin like it will neva luv again.
not yet desperate it knows what it wants.
n i feel it take me ova as it hunts.
searchin within me, seekin for my sweet spot.
lil do u kno, uv already pushed out the blood clots.
i feel ur fingatips flowin thru my pipes.
openin my heart n mind.
like a dose of medicine healin the vein.
pushin out all the unwanted pain.
i can feel ur luv pulsate against my shells outer core.
sinkin under the armor, leavin me wantin more.

what now?

it feels i'm always on the outside. looking in on a life i either can not have or one that has ran it's course. it hurts but i refuse to be broke. tomorrow will come. tomorrow will end. the same as today! and my face will still be painted in the same place. in shades that made my yesterday. in the direction of happiness. blood from a wound that can not be seen. yet it will heal as i rise stronger once again. new faces. names misplaced. possibly forgotten. sounds of the past rearranged and playing it's game, as it repeats itself. making way for what is yet to come. unwanted but true it leads. dreams fade and lose their way in the mind. i have wound up lost. giving in to thoughts of uncertainty. i damn near have forgotten how it felt. and the reasons i won't live a certain way is my own. always peeking in. i want it bad. but something inside is giving up again. as bad as it may sound. i do not have it in me to turn away from time. finding (it), i thought i did. but i don't know if things are right in between the lines of mature minds. i am far from perfect and still have much to learn. but as i sneak a glimpse of where it is headed. i am not the only one who needs a good staring from the spitting image of the great pretender in the mirror. waiting to shit on the parade. gazing in on my life, i have went down screaming inside this time. close to the tongue. i tasted as bout as close as i have ever. now feeling alone again. i drift in a silent pause misplaced. whens it going to end? questions consume. answers hide. searching i just can not find the time to fight. following the breeze as it blows me away. floating into a lifetime of could have beens. dropping a tear for the good times as i blink a memory. my guess is, it is what it is! but what now?

in disbelief

i've dug deep. reached down and came up with me in my face.
forced myself to grow up. all because i didn't like my own taste.
made choices thats altered my life. tried changes for the better.
came up empty handed. & it looks i'm once again closer to never.
patience lost for the umpton time. hands sliding away from the grip.
permanently scared by the sounds of goodbye. will it ever be my time?
burying myself in arms letting loose. falling with a crooked spine.
i've crossed me in the dark. seen a stranger i didn't wanna see.
left him standing as just that. walking i'm trying to find a new breath to breathe.
but the search is costly. nothing ever stays the same.
where's my shine to ease the pain? bring pleasure to a man giving his all.
checking self to guide the ends into the future. instead i'm rubbed raw.
fighting for a chance to have that one thing. as me as i am.
but it doesn't seem to speak in my favor. when all i'm wanting is in a touch of a hand.
i'm lost in the sauce. freaking out & shutting down inside of me.
confused. i'm in disbelief.

A Letter to Mr. Hater President

Dear President of Hater Nation,

Thank you! I'm enjoying your followers you send my way. I'm really loving their faces when they get a taste. Puckering up ever so nicely. Keep them coming everyday If you would. I could use a few more laughs as they walk away. Kicking and cursing. Acting like the child like minds they posses. "Please" send me your best. I must say thou, your doing a fine job, Mr. Hater President. I've had my eye on you. I'm learning from the greatest their ever was, is, or will be to come. And you won't believe what I've noticed. Yes I'm on to your game. And I'm going to do this thing my way. Play with me if your will. I'll tear apart your top agents. Put you out of business and make you ancient. By the way, how's the hater family? I heard little (A-man-da) Hater hates your guts. Nice!!! How did you do it. You must be so proud. Well anyways, thank you again for the attention your giving.
Butch!
Oh Yeah! Put in for a raise for yourself. You deserve it.

hands on

puttin my hands on. all up in da mix. i finally know what i'm doin. no longer battlin with sticks.
gettin it done. like it's second nature. made of flesh & bone. dirty from fightin haters.
willin to work with u. skinned & bleedin. to red from blue. havin many reasons.
i luv their capabilities. feeling their way thru da think & thin. & their probabilities. there sinkin in.
takin on the weather. clinched & gripped. ready for whatever. not havin to pull anything from the hip.
goin @ it fists up. i'm done shadow boxin. i want my full cup. rockem sockem heads r knockin.
pushin a pull from deep. wipin away da sweat. hands r not out like trick or treat. & u r no threat.
i am unda control. hands steady as can b. beware when they close. u'll c da man in me.
i'm excited to c my life's work. touch & enjoy it. & even @ times my hands hurt. it really ain't sh!t.
i feel da fruits of life my own way. hands on. stearin down da way. round da bend i'm goin.

nympho

addicted, i am a nympho.
controlled, oh hell no.
satisfying, i am just that.
package, is kind of fat.
pleasure, is what i do.
orgasmic, i keep it true.
desire, a fulfilling gain.
physically, releasing the pain.

walls

all in all, i just want the walls to reach down n wrap themselves around me.
touch me and make me feel a home i lost years ago, trying to be free.
i'm just a man who has done more than his share of time, this i believe.
i'm in need of a this house to bring the warmth i want to retrieve.
somewhere along the way i grew up into a man that forgot how to live.
a loner with a deadbolt to keep the world out of reach because i had nothing to give.
but i know my worth now as i learned a little something of self in my time.
i just wish these damn walls could talk and tell me something kind.
i always feel like i've lost everything that there is to lose.
when i have more than most in my situation that has not a clue.
last place in my case is the best way to explain how my ways have given up.
i'm just wanting my heart to give in without a fight and truly love.
without the mind taking over and causing so much confusion.
i believe i've become to real for my own good with no solution.
the heart can't remember how to feel anymore and i'm trying not to fade.
i got something good going, and yet she's right, i don't know how to love without pain.
what am i to do as my world has come to a broken dream hiding from being hurt.
excuse after excuse i speak of what love is, in truth but in lust i fail and burn.
i want to be released from my prison i've created so long ago.
bending these bars as these walls wish me a farewell and i begin to grow.
i feel so trapped inside, turning on me i can't break a tear in silence.
and i wonder is there anyone out there like me who feels the violence.
tapping past the brink of exposure i'm consumed by wanting it to just be something.
wanting to be felt and accepted as i stand and feel a lent hand helping.
pulling me as i'm rescued into the sunshine, releasing all the wasted years.
who's it going to be to come hear the secrets i scream in whispering fears?
come soon and give this place of resting a meaning like it's never had.
love and receive all that's been built up waiting on something worth reaching a grab.
i got 34 years of melting in no ones arms and i'm a fool.
so use to being empty i fell into myself and woke in a slobbering drool.
now wanting what meant nothing to me till this point in my life's walk.
i just want a small itty bitty little piece of the pie before these walls can begin to talk.
closing me in for their own to be claimed.
before i wind up alone lonely and going insane.

from me 2 u

wit a lil time on my hands. ur eye will fill wit d luv written within dis man. vibin off braincells sent striaght 2 ur sweet spot. lettin u kno wat uv found, n wat u got. flowin n damn near foamin @ da mouth. lookin in ur direction feelin aroused. taste da letters dat show how i am beside myself inside. tell me how it gets 2 u as ur mind slowly begins 2 grind. its 2 much. such a rush da way u touch. look deep in2 me n tell me again who i am 2 u. n i will tell u how uv taken complete control. worlds done a 180. how is it i give in2 how u tame me. my minds been givin a new way of learnin. heart will not stop yearnin. filled from front 2 back. side 2 side n it is a fact. i break down in da presence of da way u luv. luvin me bunchees n callin me hun. where did u come from? beside u i feel i have won. n even thou i write n jot it down. i could neva giv it a true sound. words jus aint enough when it comes 2 what i c in u. like u said only if u knew. this is a lil sumtin from me 2 u, jus so u kno i do luv u.

the irreplaceable lover

i can not afford for the loose ends to break.
trying to hold on to a love frayed and dying to escape.
and who else but me do i have to thank within the mix?
for a situation i can not take and probably can never fix.
eyes never lie with stares of who really cared.
way to much of me has slowly been bared.
losing control beneath the face in which i have carried.
feelings are pushing an expression of being buried.
packed deep under the comfort of pretending it never mattered.
truth is i feel so beaten with scars and left shattered.
grabbing a hold of what is left of a man i can no longer find.
coming up empty handed of what i find within the space of my mind.
even there i am literally alone and damaged.
between the walls of my head i am a sandwich.
left to rot in time without a mouth to taste me before i mold.
where is the ending i seen at one time or another?
one where i had a great irreplaceable lover.

not again

am i reachin again?
am i wrong?
my minds at a loss.
do i need this?
my hearts seems to be fooled.
pushed and bein pulled.
not again.
i cant take it anymore.
im tired of pickin it up off the floor.
misunderstood and out of context.
im comin undone.
once again im not havin much fun.
im no longer me yet again.
holdin tongues wisdom.
slobberin on love.
puttin it back for my own gain.
im becomin who im runnin from.
alone and done.
im confused and waitin.
whats goin on?
feels like im bein scorned.
and i cant seem to it let go.
death grip squeezed.
fists clinched in a dead freeze.
im turnin yet again.
things to be lived with.
and others unable to be dealt with.
insides touched by poison.
sinkin n killin.
everything thats fillin.
this is not me.
unaccepted as lips fly.
its been a while since i said goodbye.
hearin the sounds of imperfections.
and i never claimed to be flawless.
poked and pissed.
tweaked into what i am not.
i refuse.
becomin a muse?
maybe its me.
growin older and colder.
about to turn another shoulder.
knowin what im wantin.
unwillin to settle.
waters burnin in this kettle.
yet im here.
with patience.
listenin in silence.
tryin to love in my time.
and again im opened to the musical cords.
hearin notes and wantin more.

on the mornin of (10/12/10)

somethins missin,
somethins has went astray,
i woke up this mornin n felt my chest cave.
somethins spoilin,
somethins been set adrift,
and my heads not listenin on this imparticular trip.
somethins spillin me out,
somethins bein freed and let loose,
makin the heart feel spooked.
somethins plottin against the odds,
somethins surfacin from deep within,
and is once agiain in need of a friend,
somethins creepin in silence,
soemthins whisperin my name,
noticin the same ol games.
somethins fightin its way out,
somethins changed in a smile,
now placed in order with the memories files.
somethins to close for comfort,
somethins end lurks behind the eyes,
i believe its gonna hurt this time.
somethins gotta give,
somethins pushin me around,
im beginnin to feel that old famialiar frown.
somethins not goin as planed,
somethins not turnin out.
whats this beginin to be all about?
cuz somethins got me second guessin,
somethins happened to the want,
and my heart has seemed to have sunk.

this is

this is, the deep ends of feelin.
this is, my world slowly peelin.
this is, pretendin gone huntin.
this is, the beginin of somethin.
this is, how i feel right now.
this is, becomin my style.
this is, mind relaxin vibes.
this is, me spread thin in a rhyme.
this is, a leaf unfolded.
this is, me tryin 2 hold it.
this is, so much different.
this is, a subconscious statment.
this is, the moistened drought.
this is, me comin out.
this is, uncontrolled compromise.
this is, finally bein rectified.
this is, times lil way.
this is, me fightin my case.
this is, the full circle connectin.
this is, the unwillin heart acceptin.
this is, how it's breakin down.
this is, the silence of sound.
this is, the clock tickin a tock.
this is, bubbles gettin popped.
this is, bobbin as it's weaved.
this is, motive bein retrieved.

i call it home

i made it my duty so i don't ever have to leave home again. my bills are mine. my kids live under a roof in which the lease is signed with my handcock. i have a home. it's a great feeling to posses. i can share it. but i will never leave. i made it this far and i'm still making my way. with a smile upon my face as i struggle to keep it upright at times. but it's mine. starting over is not in my cards. i'm done playing that immature childish game. it feels good knowing i got this. i've become what that one thing i drempt. no more bouncing in and out of others lives. building them a home as i'm left with nothing but everything to gain. no more outside looking in. wrong side of the door, unable to get in. i hold the key to my world. i got this. it's easy. gravy. i'm winning the fight . battling and claiming what is rightfully mine. happiness and a place to rest my head. no one can take this from me. it is home. my home. my very own. and will always be as get busy doing me. maintaining a spot i can rest my bones. i call it home. where the joys are reaped. somewhere life is liven. it is where it is.home.

lost in between dreams

jumping out from a dream i wake.

wondering how much more imagination i can take.
out of sync and disoriented for a nightmare i ridden.
i dreamt up a dream where we were forbidden.
reaching i extend, i roll and grab hold.
as my body feels so extremely cold.
clinging to the past a dream attempted to steal.
feeling more than the depression that appeared to be real.
tightly wrapped stuck to your side in a freezing sweat.
a little thing called dreamland told me you left.
slowly coming to reality of what we share.
for this thing it is as real as it is as sad as it is rare.
finding a love more passionately than i did before i drifted off.
winding up somewhere where i felt so utterly lost.
pulling me out of a dark tale trying to i am shake it.
from me you were violently ripped and forsaken.
tasting the worst of all my frightened fears.
our future became an absent minded smidge of a smear.
changing times, living past outdated expiration's.
i thought you gave up on all our expectations.
you and i were done inside the subconscious of my mind.
through with living a love we could not hide.
i lost control in between dreams yet one more time.
as i am waking and finding myself wanting to break down and cry.
wanting to tell you i never want to watch you leave at all.
i comfort my confusion with your skin for it is so silky soft.
the tricks of the mind damn near killed my heart.
broke me down and tore me completely apart.
i came close to freezing over and my core becoming bitterly hard.
as i woke just in time to a feeling of total disregard.
and though i escaped the depths of an illusion that had took my one.
i learned a valuable lesson in a lonely dream of a love going numb.

the art of story tellin'

it comes from within. somewhere only self can express. attempting to write it down. where self empties the core. the art of story tellin' only speaks words if given a mouth to speak them. a pen to read them. a key to poke up a line fit to the eyes preference. clinging to an others position in time. felling to art of story telling come to life within them. now living within more than just one lost cause. it's the arrangement of letters forming words. as sentences and phrases completes someones day. enjoyed and held close enough to remember as one walks their drifting skip. it's a n art indeed. stories grabbing a hold of anything willing to hear the sounds wether silently read or spoken to through a voice speaking through thoughts. everyone fits into at least one version. feeling the pain, happiness or everything n between every once in a while.

It Is Mine

My heart, it can be given out on a loan. As sad as it may seem, it's the only way. Kind of like in need of payments, getting only what i put into time. One little bit at a time. Only with love in return. My private region can be fun for just one. To have and hold as their very own, for as long as they may wish to be that one. "But my mind, it is mine". It is my play ground captured by me for whatever may run in love, lust, fear, or dust. Just roaming. Out of harms way, sheltered by skull one will have to beat in to get me out. You see, I trust no one but me. I am the only one that can't hurt self. I'd be a fool to do such a thing. Time is short enough without the pain. I don't need it. Have all you can handle. Just do me one thing as I ask as a man. A human as well as you stand and say you are. Forget my name. I can feel everything I touch. Physically, mentally, emotionally scared wanting one more breath of air. I hold out for truth and knowing what life really means deep inside this shell of a man. so have me as your very own. Pleasure yourself as you so do. Yet again, what goes in the head stays in the head until time is right. There is a time and place for everything. That I do believe. Family is a waste of lies. Bound my blood to cast fake smiles obligated to deal with stupidity sucking the life out of happiness. I really don't need it. But I want it. Bad. Friends are rare that seem to fade time going on time lost in the chaos. This not about one's wrong doings. Nor being happy or sad. This is me in words that will never shy from less than what you get in the flesh.....................I am all me. Sharing my shell in which protects what matters the most. Everything I'm willing to give with true emotion. With direct answers, leaving not an once of wonder explains what you can not see in actions repeated and time can not take away. So have at me as i feel something worth seconds adding up to be everything we could possibly be. My chest lays naked, pumping vibes beating and knocking to a rhythm orchestrated to ease thy heart in what only appears to be a cruel world. And again my physical presents is alawys here for the touch to tease me into an out of controlling spiral in arms of a face I may or may not know. Ready and willing to have a little play time I won't soon forget. But what is mine is who I am, it's as I stand is how I see one's face accepting or attempting to change thee into what they are looking for. I can not be a perfect little marionette. With strings pulling my arms into a false state of control of self forced motion and selfless gratification. Living for what another wants out of me. Sorry, you get what you deserve when I'm pushed outside of what makes me the man I am. My mind is all mine. Well rounded and retrained to fit my lifestyle. One can easily fit in and is more than welcome to be themselves, I'd want nothing less for one to give it the way they know best........Controlled thoughts of reasonings, keeping order for the sake of true happiness roaming in space lost between even the best of friends. To feel more than the bigger picture of sanity and it's course of failure because one doesn't understand. Never taking the time to learn. Time just won't give nor give up. Why should we?........