Living in disbelief...

What is happiness when fear claims the heart? With a simmer of life still left with a shell that tensions chard. Affraid with the belief that everyone will betray u. It's just a matter of time before depths are dragged by the noose. Hung u0 on display for another knife carving dumbazz in the back. Aa the disbelief in studying lasting past the passing of laughs. Where is home supposed to be when self is lost n looking at this fake azz world alone?  With a tear tugging on worth as if self will never be good enough to enjoy hope. Is there some sorta trick to convince the mind to smile without doubt whispering don't trust it in the ear? Belittling the inner makings keeps self the safest as the had never hasta turn to see what's coming up from the rear. Why is there so much useless weight in the chest? As the none believer within falls into the dwell of loneliness. It hurts to have everything to give but yet feel the loss before the beginning ever takes place. Louie a friend cab never made no matter the intent shown standing face to face. Does life twist us all from the feeling of losing interest in others in ways we drift into boredom? Or is it just me being petrified of allowing another to play with what i cannot get to come undone? Hiding behind the hopelessness n making it look good so no one is ever witness to the monster elusive enough to not appear. As if a shadow in the night escaping the spotlight but not the mirror. It seems reflections of expressions show so often it's better to regain isolated until the body expires. N the pain in saying it bulds a cry deep in the core that's trapped n burning in the fire. Nothing i can do makes me happy as u run everyone off. N there's nothing wrong with me other than the consistency of me calling bs on the same ol shit fed to me raw. N the round about thought price process takes a toll on the mood locked on the other suede of closed doors. As i speak honestly with self as i too want more. I do desire someone who finds me reaching out. To never shy away or eventually want something else that with me just cannot be found. N i ask myself, who am i but in the way of others? With nowhere to fit in n not one person to open the gates as if to be more than a luv'r. When will the tension ever rest for my truths to be free? So i can get back to being me...