it seems...

with so many good ones to a few bad decisions that broke down my dreams. it seems i've had some missed opportunities to moments i could barely breathe. faces linger in times when alone is a lil too far gone. as chuckles bring me back with one belief that remains as luv some day won't be prolonged. n yeah i may be something else in eyes that all hold the same stare watching me do what i do. but the truth is, i'd trade them all in for just one i could get used to. for the list is so long i can't imagine remembering each one individually. from the gigolo to the family man n everything in between the honesty. i kept it straight up in more ways than one that spoke without words. even gave a couple a real chance to please worth. although there's been some that i faded on that didn't deserve the retreat. but a lie i cannot live so my lips told no tales on the visions i had of what it was i thought was free. then i turned n released myself from situations that did not define me the way i felt i needed to come to life. there was always something to keep me from feeling alive. n as for the flings that are a smear to the memory that catches a periodic poof. i hope they know that they do not hang in my daydreams from a noose. i did no one wrong so guilt isn't something that's attached to my heart like it belongs. i didn't know what i had in the rare ones that found a comfort just having me around. i just wasn't ready or feeling certain things that surfaced from beneath what i could allow. because it was the whole picture from start to a coarse of events i foreshadowed in my mind. n choices were made to linger off on my own with emotions sidestepping ends not wanting to hide. from then to the now of here i am in the flesh. the things i've learned has me reasoning with the gates opening to accept a lil help. n it's like i have an army in my head putting there guns down due to they're tired of the war of fighting one another. done with the safe keeping that is as endless as the battles that replay visions in the dead of nights of lost luv'rs. tears are no existent of past experiences playing in the hollow depths. leaving one question of what is really next? can the guard be lowered for hands to reach my skin? pressing in on my hidden intent to live. moving slowly my chest pulsates behind closed doors thinking forward like i've never been hurt. but if i'm to truly smile imma havta do it prior to being laid six feet down in the dirt. buried like every n all those who aren't by my side now. as it seems i must eventually face the crowd. knowing i'm just one person just the same as they are. just curious to know who it is that can do more than play the part.