I faded...

I've luv'd in a way i handed another the reigns. Allowed myself to feel whatever came about n that's when i felt the pain. The erie twist within that changed me forever so it seems. As i no longer believe in relations being an actual need. Shit hurt too deep n it damn near felt as if i wasn't gonna overcome the ache. But when i came to i didn't quite look the same. My expressions were different as i had to get to know me all over again. Just to find myself thinking to myself on a beach with toes buried in the sand. Thoughts lingered with dreams that faded prior to the moment of sitting in disbelief. N it was my heart that made it hard to breathe. For it was the first time i realized everything i ever wanted to do has changed. The memory of new encounters were to be attached someone else's face. I opened up n dove into the future way too far. I seen it all n i wanted to do more than play the part. Yet i drift with a heart not knowing wtf normal couple ever be. Truth is what i desired turned n washed away from me. Leaving a void to possibilities i have no intent to comfort any time soon. Problem is idk where home is so i claim the moon. As the earth is my resting place no matter where i sleep. N i never thought I'd wander off without a diving thing to seek. It's just an empty road that leads to nowhere in the makings. But at least it isn't what's left of me up for the taking. Healed i am but lost fear is the hole i haven't been able to shut. N it all fell into play bcuz i couldn't help but to fall in luv. As i fell straight through n bounced to my feet. It took some yrs but look at me. I'm on the run trying to figure out what kinda life awaits me to settled down. With words hushed so no one can hear me make a sound. As from here to over there I'll find my around to adjusting once more. Sad thing is i believed by now I'd be happy but my mind has been on tour. Looking at cities n countrysides as i zoom on by. Scared that I'm wasting days n ill be too old when i sit still enough to tell another hi. I just don't wanna get caught up in the end of it all. It's much simpler to avoid all things that remove pictures from the walls. So for what it's worth this is not who i set out to be. I've just become dependent on me. Never giving in to the loss resting until it all comes crashing down. It sucks but this way of live is better than the eventual frawn. As i lie to myself here in these words no one will ever read. Knowing I'd rather enjoy living for the weekends then chase an endless greed. I'm bot me anymore n I'm not sure i like who it is I've become. It bothers me I'm missing out on so much fun. As even family n friends will come to know me a vague. All bcuz i faced from memories never made. N I'm turn between an opportunity to see what i prolly couldn't have n belong remembered as a ghost until i return. Which has more worth? It's likeI'm to busy fixing where everything went wrong to be a part of what i can never get back. But if i don't handle business how will i ever correct the facts? It consumes me to be this free as I'm trapped within. N all anyone else sees is my half hearted grin. Mountains have been crossed n desserts have been roamed. N yet i still feel totally fuckin alone. Sidestepping everything that isn't what i set out to do. I just hope when it's all said n done i can reclaim my natural mood. After slipping out the side door not known where to go. I honestly just want to go home...