Caught up in me…

January 1. Year 2014. I woke up in a stranger’s bed. I knew her but I didn’t know her like the women I couldn’t get outta my head. I sat up to the snow falling and thought how beautiful it was. An Erie feeling took over my heart that felt like I was betraying luv. With only a few months in to a breakup I asked for a blessing to move on a week before. From the height of her need my gut touched floor. I fumbled within as I fondled another that my hands were unfamiliar with. Cute as a button, dingy asf she came into the room. It was the first time since I fell in luv that I looked at another woman as we had so much fun. Prior to that morning I fought the urge to give in . All I kept hearing in my head was a song by Craig Morgan that went, damn if I don’t wake up loving you. Damn, if that wasn’t the truth. Less than two weeks later I wound up digging into this sweet beautiful lil thing I put to use. The dog came out as her sister eventually joined the roster. My whore phase wanted a round two of who I was to be to revive my posture. But my old ways didn’t last long due to I was emotionally overworked. With that to say the least, I had no use for a woman’s worth. I was caught up internally with feelings I didn’t know how to let go of. All I knew was no one in the moment ever felt like luv. The desire to fuck was real but the depths lacked passion’s thrill. As mine as they were to touch I struggled beyond the intense sexual content in which they were built. Their flesh was no more than a fantasy swirling around the beast within. I resorted to faking a grin. To get through the loss I gained deep in my chest. To heal before I could ever do more than please a woman’s lips. It is what it is. As the father presence of time clicked around the clock. Choosing who I laid down as I worked them loose enough to intensify their g-spot. Then the strangest thing occurred in the middle of fuckin around. I realized I never had to lie to play with the anatomy of the most beautiful thing that I’ve ever found. A woman’s body freed me in ways that I was able to overcome me. I resurfaced to stand on my side of the imaginary wall that kept emotions in my chest. Never to chase as I never have, I was a version of self that wasn’t such a mess. I didn’t havta hide behind a half worn smile for it felt life. Different women helped me ease my mind. Reminding me of the drifter that lingered in between the lines spoken that were true. Friends had a use. Friends wanted more than a weekend rendezvous to hold on to. But recognizing my heading wasn’t the same as being ready to reinsert myself into relations that are face to face with everyday exposing truths. The watched the walls go up. Luv want a friend I could trust. As I’ve even been told to go find my person when I want even looking for another to be familiar with when I was good with who I was looking at. Slowly I was coming around to the same ol’ same bcuz from one to the next wasn’t a thrill looking back at the past. Memories were beginning to scatter themselves far and wide. I sat by myself long enough to know I wasn’t living life. I was alive and doing me but my honesty fell short to many times of someone getting to know me before the end wrapped me up. Some were more than enough and a few were more than I expected I’d cross. When the loss of bad timing that never transformed into luv. I have into lusts. When the stipulations of scenarios and situations were hand plucked on a one way street. I didn’t consider those I’ve touched on my way to my own selfish wants and needs. As I’m prolly an after thought due to my lack there of. But that’s expected when I was out to reclaim me while ignoring another laying flush. Giving tenderness and moments to be who they were to offer a piece of them in their own way. I know I’m to blame. I was just blinded by the loss that had me correcting myself. And I knew I could only depend on myself as help. I had to overcome life’s lil twist to be able to freely become me. And they were all gone by the time I came to thinking about hisi fit into their daydreams. As even those have their own place in the memory that comes back around. I don’t want much, I just wanna be fair to prove I’m more than taking someone to pound town. Not to be revisited in a thought I failed to make. But to be seen creating thanks…