REASON!

As kids we met. Then all of the sudden you were gone. Poof. The wind stole you. I got so lost within so many bad judgment calls. With every decision I had no will. I only cared for my three children that I had along the way. And time kept moving. Until Facebook, January 2010... I came looking for you. And finding you I did. Amazed of what you appeared to become. You were beautiful. You seemed happy with your family. So I backed off for I came searching for a reason. I was single and wanted to know why I thought of you for years. In the next couple of months I felt somthing missing. Even with someone in my life at this point. So I wrote as I do. Letting time slip away from what I would never know. You still married and havikng yhour last child in may you accepted my friend request. Not knowing who I was. Months played out as you scoped my profile, thinking there was something about me. You just didn't know what it was. I tried love for the first time and failed at 33. Then out of the blue there you were as conversation was found. We were like kids when you found out who I was and me knowing I was actually talking to Mandy! I remember when we fell in love. The word was so satisfying and the feelin of completion we felt. Life had finally begun. Starin at the past comin back around. Emotions clingin to one an other. Who would of thought we had a chance. My one in a million taking a moment to find me. It was like it was yesterday. I see u on my couch falling asleep watching me cook for you. So comfortably you and I both knew this was it. Love! True, real love. After a walk on which we both got lost. We found one an other. Jumping in head first and whole hearted we climbed inside each others chests. Found home and didn't care what anyone thought. I remember hearing your voice for the first time in years when you called. The sounds put its mark upon my face that insisted on the rest of the body to follow. So it did. Giving every once of happiness I never got drained catering to you. It did something to me the day we reconnected. November 28, 2010.
Somehow it was spontanious to lunge into the embracing arms that wondered for years. Daydreams of where you went stuck in my mind for so long. And you were here talking in conversation to all people, me. Mandy and Butchie. How sweet the sound even gives my ears a tone so easy to listen to. Over a coarse of days we couldn't get enough. Lost in the joy of standing side by side. Nights spent told us this was our moment. It took less than a month n we were living together. Ready for the world. The giggles. The passion. The desire. All as true as air giving life in between a kiss that I let feeling come undone upon. To touch you gave more purpose than life itself. Everything was so clear for the first time in my life. I had to wed you. Tax money early 2011 I gave you a ring that meant the most to me. A symble of our love. Unseperable we lived within the depths of the deepest peice of our core we could of found. It was fate the way we played and enjoyed our keep for a lifetime. Soon after we moved into a place a bit bigger and not so much us. A trip to cedar point was one memory that will live within me as long as I live. The night before Kings Island we had the big one. Something changed.That's when it all seemed to go in the wrong direction. Miscommunication and lack of understanding plagued our relationship that the heat didn't help a bit with. Falling apart in august of 2011. Two weeks before your own birthday. You took off with your six and I had to move out with my three. It was the worst thing I ever had to endure. Losing my dream to something so silly. Knowing what we had. For two weeks I never gave up and reminded you I was here to stay. Words nibbled on the your love for me. You came around the weekend of your birthday when we found another house more suitable to our lifestyle. All was good for we had what we wanted. One an other. Time ticked and you unraveled from time to time on me. I heard everything I never wanted to hear. Down to the beating heart pausing in a panic.  I seemed to be an asshole misunderstood. Nights out with co-workers, I wasn't invited. Why is still one of those things. I don't know. I felt the need to try even harder. Quietly dying inside. Just to love you did it for me. This happened a few times over. Yet I stood my ground to show you what love could do. May came with a special place kin the heart. The 18th of 2012 clinched our love so tight. We were husband and wife! My efforts that eased from me for you payed off. A returning weekend at cedar point gave us a moment to simply feel the joy. Not long after losing our home we took a blow. Losing memorabilia and materials. Staying in a hotel and family for two weeks. We didn't give up on one an other finding a house. Paying the first months rent and working of the deposite and some cash. We had each other. Falling so deeply in love. Further more and more everyday like never before. We lost two vehicles and ate very little the next few months. October filled the mind. Battered by your tone. Crushing my love. Electric shut off as we scrambled to survive. We were good for each other yet it was falling apart. I was stubburn and you spoiled. The turn of 2013 came and we looked up. Still living side by side. Your health seemed to turn in January but came out you were okay as times were falling hard. You in pain and I struggling to find home. Slowly creeping I gave until I broke. Ik couldn't take you running down the pills. I knew what thdy were for but you were out of reallity. My dream was giving up as I cried like I've never felt pain before. Asking you to forgive me because I couldn't do it. Words speaking, I love you more than you'll ever know. With all my heart and soul. With everything I have to give. With every emotions I weeped appologising after our fight that I couldn't do it. Half asleep and dealing with the pain with meds you needed sleep. So I layed beside you. Holding you. Feeling the one thing that gave me more pleasure than I could ever ask for. My one! And yet I felt I wasn't enough as you were a zombie like mess. I was broken. My dream broke my reality......... Mandy broke my heart again. Thoughts came from our time together as I wanted to be by your side forever. Thoughts that pulled me back to us. In our beginning. Ooh how I thought if we could just get past the hard times and how it all fell apart. It was then I realized what I already knew. I couldn't live without you if I tried. Life wouldn't have the same reason. I didn't know what to do. I felt lost beside my best friend that plays by her own rules. Unable to shake the possibility of us dying before love. Neither of us want to move forward without one an other but I couldn't do it this way. I've given to much of self to wind up watching the end of my love falling to depression and confusion. Your not as head strong as I. But I'm the only one that has ever been as real as lifes gift giving a chance likne no other. What was I to do? Play witness to you demise. Realizing it wasn't me that can help you. I did my best right? Or was to stand by your side with so much on the line with the love of my life. My one. My Mandy! What is it you think I decided when I decided to right this?...... AILOWY! I remember..... do you?

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