a moment of touch n go

hands, pitterin a pattern soft nuff to stroke the skin.
lightly slidin, grazin upon the flesh feelin somethin stir within.
every brush stroked, contact shivers the spine.
tryin everything in my power to keep my mind in line.
roundin every curve shapin ur woman hood so well.
it's hard to fight the will of takin control n givin u ur fill.
pleasure damn near drippin from the tongue as thy mouth waters.
teasin the man wantin to lay u down n show u who matters.
my hands gently make luv to the feelin of watchin ur squirm.
yet the sensation of u movin to the caress i sit n learn.
payin close attention to the sounds of ur day releasin itself within my palms.
and i'm once again findin it oh so "hard" to stay calm.
as i tickle the side by accidentally flowin upward to slowly.
seein a smile stretch in my direction as if u were to truly know me.
it's a moment of touch n go freein to tension outside the room.
becomin a lil more than friends as we set our very own unforgettable mood.

stains of realism

splash, the first sight of red ink i've endured in months.
smeared & spreadin through the heart of what it is that it haunts.
slidin it's way through the vein pushin violently to the fingers.
strokin, releasin everything that has become unexpectedly tender.
from the left to the right, up-down in unmistakable curved scribbles.
stains of realism flow n speak foolishly at times as they begin to dribble.
breakin ground, written proof of lessons well learned.
ready to keep it movin after the fight, for it was obviously my turn.
slitherin slowly, awkwardly moving in truth across the blank page.
forcin the next beginin faze openly of life's main stage.
bringin my reallity of my life to the light of day for everyone to see.
feelins are let down n loose as i'm finally settin myself free.

ups n downs

better thing grabbing a hold of the will in my grasp.
tugging me away from what it seemed i wanted in my past.
doors rudely slammed shut in a misguided state of confusion.
and other fly open to welcome an old face n give resolution.
life is so complicated at times when things change every time.
forcing self to adapt to the ways shoved in face screaming goodbye.
for happiness to re-emerge as a piece of the puzzle right on cue.
giving another taste of it's sweet flavor after feeling so blue.
ups and downs ripping n healing the insides oh so often.
sometimes it's good n others one would rather be in a coffin.
it's a game of life with no way to expect what is to be.
left blinded without any true way of actually being able to see.

sweet spot

i wanna drive u crazy. make ur legs snap n clinch onto the back of m head.
lay u down and show u the man wanting to give u everything in da bed.
jus ease back n let me show u what i've learned on my way to u.
i got tricks in da bag i've polished in time, n hopefully i get to use them on u.
relax as i take control without takin da power from ur will.
i promise i know what im doin n i have sum pretty good skills.
pleasure is only the tip of the ice burg i'm willin to share.
but it is on da mind and da tip of the tongue to be bared.
lemme find ur sweet spot n make ur legs tell me to stop.
as i climb up ur past uv navel til i wind up on top.
to lay u down is one of many things goin thru my mind.
lemme give u all of me n become one as we find ourselves intertwined.
lost in something we never want to see ever end as long as we live.
to a certain lil lady i have so much i'm willlin give.

to ease

healing from the inside. in a place i've shielded and hidden from this world for so long. let one in and it's broken before things ever took off. wonder why i never allowed anyone to enter. i knew from a young age not to do so. but nooooooo! i had to feel something with someone i knew would do it to me. but it's all good. i got my scar. i've felt the pain from a desire of wanting someone. and i'd love to do it again. only next time i know what it is i'm looking for. with a lil time under my belt to ease this hole in my chest. i'm going to get back at it and chase down a long lost friend. see where it may go. someone i can trust who won't purposely twist me up. nor throw me away. hopefully one i can find that one thing in. it's been so long. and feelings still linger in the air. n i like it because the feelings are mutual. willing to ease into it. but being honest enough to express wanting more. my future looks good.

boy and girl

found by faces.
sparking flames.
invading spaces.
going insane.
finding friends.
someone special.
attempting to bend.
watching it fizzle.
tickling touches.
feeling the one.
lost in kisses.
no longer alone.
bonds formed.
time spent.
becoming norm.
hearts are lent.
becoming one.
gathering emotions.
feeling ones won.
hands and lotions.
happiness shows.
on stretched faces.
two knows.
as eyes gazes.
candle lit moments.
priceless times.
wanting to hold it.
as hearts shine.
as love grows.
deep within.
feelings mold.
shaping a grin.
tasting a partner.
lips so soft.
love gets stronger.
getting lost.
in another's eyes.
wanting it all.
emotions can't hide.
coming to ones call.
voices flow.
echoing pleasures.
never saying no.
cupids arrows.
given a chance.
giving self.
happy pants.
being felt.
loved and wanted.
beyond this world.
seeds planted.
boy and girl.
finding each other.
in their time.
becoming lovers.
as life chimes.

lookin

noticed. time afta time by those who don't mean what they say. lost. thrown away as if they woke up on the wrong side of the bed yesterday. flippin the script n callin me crazy! all i wanna do is love n be loved. live n let live. take some time n figure out if relations r real. to keep. hold. cherish n protect. this is something that means something to me. my emotions don't come cheap. but one doesn't havta pay either. it's the wantin of a grown man as i have a wantin of a real woman. a mature female with a strong mind that won't cloud her heart. strange things have happened on my way to where i stand. most my fault. but here recently i can't take the blame. i gave it my all. but twice i had to walk away. not sayin i'm a gift. but i'm good to who i'm with. appreciate what they have to offer. n give em somethin worth while.

long ago

it's been so long. where in the hell did you go. vanished like the night. reappearing as if your face never lost it's glow. it's been so long since time allowed me to see your breath taking smile. and you still have a place deep in my minds secret file. i remember how i use to sneak a peek as if you were to knock me off my feet. you were my first crush and you made me feel so weak. and here we are years later as strangers finding our way talking today. me, in a stage of shutting down and you're just strolling along making my day. it's funny how i never stood up and took my chance on you. i didn't know you felt the same way about me that i felt about what brewed. wow, only if i would've spoken up so long ago before the watch got misplaced. i'm not trying to jump into anything until my recent past has been erased. and that could take quite a while to come to close. but friends are a must because we have a history that has been froze. needing to be thawed out by conversation to catch up on where we've been. my intentions are good and what i have in store is not a sin. friends reuniting as long as possible until time gives a chance. allowing my heart to heal from a very good gone bad dance. it seems like yesterday we were all goofing off with out a care in the world.
my shy ass was to chicken shit to say anything to try, like a little girl.
but it's all good, times have changed me into a man i have come to love.
and in time i know we're both looking for the one who fits like a glove.
but right now you have things going on for you and i'd never cause you any problems.
so friends we can be and catch up on good times lost in between our troubles.
the rest is time and patience of seeing what is and what will be.
and i'm okay with that scenario playing out to hopefully set this long ago now finally face to face thing free with thee.

this position

old faces. not due to time but just ones that were misplaced for some odd reason. lost. gone. walkin their own path. wonderin around in some one elses space. somewhere they thought they belonged. maybe so. but as something has surfaced the way it has. i can't hide this any longer. a lil time is all that's needed to find out what it is. letting things be known is the first step. from here lets see how it goes. i never thought i'd be in this position. ever. this is unreal. something more than worth looking into. seems like forever ago at times that a crush was all i had. wanting to tell you things i shy'd away from. but now you're telling me you felt the same. makes us one in the same in a sort of way.

closer

Once again I'm left standing one step closer to the man I want to be.
Reinvented and reunited with my inner self that's changed and one step closer to being truly free.
Vision is more clear everyday I wake and rise with a chance to get mine.
One step closer to the end yet I'm that much closer to the time I shine.
I may never get there soon enough but I'm getting it in the best way I know, like I should.
Growing inside myself, I just hope I don't burst by becoming to big for my own good.
I'm one step closer today than yesterday because i feel the man in me willing to live.
One step closer than just now just because I have so much more to give.
I've walked many paths that have led me to my own damnation.
But I stand here today knowing the closer I get, away from the suffocation.
I am closer than i have ever been and i am not as close a i want to be before i am done.
And i am who i am growing inside of everything i have learned under the sun.

have u ever?

u ever felt the pain stream down ur face uncontrollably.
twist evry emotion inside u as it leaves u so fuckin lonely.
confused n angered by the absence from the lack of @ fault.
goin crazy cuz one pushes buttons with u, rubbin em raw.
have u ever not wanted 2 walk away from somethin u wanted so bad?
forced hands chokin da color outta ur face like as if u been had.
pain settlin in 4 da long haul as reallity beats down ur hearts luv.
have u ever needed 2 walk away cuz da mind has been fucked?
??????????????

i got

i got this feeling.
it's something unreal.
i got this woman.
that makes love real.
i got an emotion.
i'll never willingly let go.
i got a good thing.
i'll always show.
i got love in my heart.
that can not be replaced.
i got one last chance for love.
one i do not want erased.
i got my mind made up.
and i know what i want.
i got all i need.
and she is filled with spunk.

love

love has a way of finding it's way through he toughest of times.
when all else has failed and time is ready to throw in the towel, love will chime.
if love is love and love is willing to fight, love will gather what's left and love and live.
open up and be in love with the love that love is willing to give.
sometimes love falls in the hands of the minds over thought out process.
put on pause by the heart to find out if it is indeed love put on recess.
but when love opens it's eyes and reaches and is caught by a hand that is willing.
the feeling of love that caries through the body is more than wanted and ever so filling.
when love has been found, nothing will ever be able to break the truth of love formed in hard times.
for the bond in time spent together will be irreplaceable by any obstacle if it's real.
unbreakable and unchanged when two hearts finally realize love is stronger than steel.

breaking point

breaking point facing me down.
long stare in the mirror, hates my frown.
pressure builds as the face bleeds red.
feeling there's nothing left to be said.
watching the fool before me break ever so slow.
giving will power as it eventually will go.
fists tighten as tight as the hands can squeeze.
forcing down the weeping sounds of please.
whispering reality one doesn't want to believe.
knowing the heart only wants to be relieved.
hot flashes burn the skin smoking to a sizzling stench.
feeling one has been put into one hell of a pinch.
the breaking point has arrived and has been triggered.
now what to do with all the feelings that have been brutally splintered?

deserted feelings

outstretched hands slipping from fingertips.
loose grips, the heart takes its final hit.
eyes swell in its wells full of pain emerging.
facing this world and feeling undeserving.
palms pour with sweat making hands slide.
as the evil pit within one can no longer hide.
emotion flips and inner rage forms.
hating the deserted feelings of being purposely torn.
minds rolling into a state of shock.
hands attached to the head because it will not stop.
the pounding hurts and the minds over worked.
heart aches and irrelevance bleeps unforgivable words.
feeling the dying of something once so good.
willing to change everything, only if one could.
confusion settles rattling the nerves once made of steel.
left wondering wtf is the purpose of this fucked up ordeal?
fighting within ones self as if self is to blame.
losing another love to a selfish played out game.

great pretender

great pretender. oh how you paint a pretty face.
you got me to surrender, then off in your great escape.
great pretender, oh how you've done what you've done to me.
and i'm still willing to surrender, but you set me free.
great pretender, love sounded so smooth coming from you're lips.
like you were my savior, then you went and tore and shredded my heart as you lost you're grip.
great pretender, you give love until you feel it's ran it's course.
looking for you're very own savior, melting feelings down that were never forced.
great pretender, how i feel still for you and i don't understand the smile on your face.
now the great defender, i'm left gripping onto the dreams thrown away.
great pretender, how's it that you give up so easily as if it never mattered?
you're not the defender, i am the one fighting for everything that's been shattered.
great pretender, do you have it in you to go through with the love your mistreating?
or is your heart to tender, like mine has been mislead after being trampled, beaten and now grieving.
great pretender, where has the future of such a great thing gone?
love is tender, and you skipped a beat and skipped out on what was never wrong.
great pretender, how is this the reality that we actually live in?
my minds in a blur, as if i feel like i'm never going to ever win.
great pretender, this love may have passed you by as you refuse to fight.
as my love to you is a blur, as you force me to say goodbye deep within the cold lonely nights!

dying words of love

dying words of love allows the truth to be set free.
good or bad or as ugly as it may seem.
love never fades as everything else slips with time.
love stands ground and concurs all and out shines.
one can not fake love because it tells on everyone.
showing how much fun the ride was before it is done.
finding this thing called love is a test the heart will crave.
the ups and downs of emotion and feeling trying to escape.
trying to feel that one thing in someone that is beyond flesh and bone.
beyond the mental aspect and reasoning of reality.
it is unexplainable how human nature can show one their own insanity.
getting attached to another because it is worth the moment in love.
to be given up on and with a push and a final shove.
the only way to tell if love is truly real is through time.
when two people stand for the love filling their hearts and mind.

bye bye

if it was love that ever called my name.

i believe it whispered a silent breath in the tone of your voice.

speaking softly enough to my manhood.

helping me to make you my only choice.

so as i speak in dying words of love, know this.

bye bye baby, you can kiss this.

fighting like a love soldier

feel it and don't think so much about trying 2 find it's reasoning.
if it's there and it crawls beneath your skin like a new life, let it fill you in.
love is not a mental stability equalizing the hearts repetitions.
nor something that can be processed and let go as if it is a hallucination.
yet we fight the feeling from within, of a war raged against self.
knuckling down and trying not to be hurt by making the wrong moves, refusing help.
pushing away what could be the one thing in our lives that could make a difference.
losing the perfect piece to a puzzle that hasn't been set into place because of ignorance.
as we walk blinded, following the shutters of our minds that keep out the light.
and time is at hand waiting for us all to fail it's playground of love losing sight.
unable to find the good in another as we're to busy depicting them apart.
caught up in the defense of a world built to break one down before it starts.
we as i to have fallen victim to such unbelievable circumstances brought upon by me.
guilty i stand accused of dragging love to the edge to find if it is as real as i can see.
yet only a few percent make it back from the darker side of love that turned cold and black.
and have the chance to actually live in loves grace by accepting it's actual facts.
love is love, a feeling of a single heart that's enjoyed by the beholder.
willing to be loved, but not by just anyone, only by a love soldier.

man down

u stripped me of everything.
everything good in a man.
u took away what women seek in men.
now i gotta try n feel if i can.
ur a heartless selfish individual.
but i wish u well.
hope u find what it is ur lookin 4.
park of roses n weddin bells.
cuz i was gonna do this.
on ur moms bday.
cuz she cant b here to enjoy it with u.
so with her u can have jus one more day.
once a year as i she were here.
but u stole the purity from my heart.
u broke me down then left.
but 2 every end is a fresh start.
u will b missed.
u were most definately worth my time.
but life must move on.
cuz i gotta find mine.
u have my wishes.
b good 2 urself.
u'll realize one day what this was.
n wanna take it back off the shelf.

it is u

reachin out 4 luv 2 accept me. things inside me r bein set free.
its a touch n a kiss. the stare in the eyes n meetin of 2 sets of lips.
the knowin of all thats been wondered about. now found n held n spoken without makin a sound.
somethin in me has a new direction. fixin all my imperfections.
n it is u. ilu.

this is that moment

this is our moment to shine. if we can make it through this, nothing can outlast our love. not even the day we die. this is the moment i told you i was waiting on.the one i know for a fact that it is real. you coming home was like speaking without a sound. and i am someone different as i stand beside you today. let me be the man you seek. for you are the glue that keeps me from falling apart. love is a powerful thing if you know how to use it. and now that my eyes are truly open. there is no one that could ever do what you have done to me. you lit my world up the day you we met. and i have not been the same man since. it is hard to find what i believe we have grown into. and this is our test. our fight for us. fight with me. lets go at this thing heads up. our time is now. moments like this is what makes or breaks love trying to grow. feel me in your heart and find if it is in it, where i belong. this is the moment that will give us the hope and the future of love. ilu.

Rachell

shattered n dreams at ruins, causin a slow everlastin over emotional termoil.
watchin the veins pump n implode, burstin outward from their boil.
losin focus set in motion, the end is here, another story of loves brutal tragedies.
lookin @ belongings as 1 has disappeared, leavin tear filled memories.
twisted feelins of forever r taken from me once again, n the pain is my comfort.
battlin wit reason that make no sense, my heart has been broken n wants her.
but it is how it is dealt with, that will make or break the individual i want 2 be.
n i must walk away even though i refuse, if it's real it will come home n luv me.
shaken n confused, i stand a man that was willin 2 do all the above.
white dress 2 dress shoes, releasin a flock of white turtle doves.

this is how i feel.

go ahead man. its ok. if u need 2. let it out. ur human. of flesh n bone. ur not perfect. i heard the words spoken. (i havn't liked u in over a week, u fuckin bitch). now im feelin it all over again. i tried reasonin. changin. there's somethin i swore off. 4 what. i havn't asked 4 anything in return. i've gone outta my way 2 show in action. who it is i want. n it feels like its never goin 2 be enough. no more texts of ilu. hurry home. i miss u. i cant wait 2 see u. n the last 2 times of out sex sessions. somethin is missin. not on my end. but i feel a void on hers. n i'm hopin we can make it through this together. i've given myself away 2 someone who is pushin. someone who is unable 2 see what ti is i am about. yes, i am a real man. 3 kids of my own i raise under my roof. n yet every time i turn around i'm a piece of shit. i do not understand. i pay the bills in my name. work every chance i get. n still, i am replacable. it's breakin me down n tearin me apart. i do not know what 2 do. with no friend 2 confide in. i'm tryin but i'm growin weak. restless. unappreciated. i asked 4 her son 2 be around more so i can at least be a friend 2 him. teach him n show him some kind of version of a man. has not happened. she says he doesn't like bein here. doesn't like me. i think she lies. i believe it's a cover up because she truly wants 2 leave. n don't know how or has no where she'd rather go. am i bein used til she's back up n runnin on her own 2 feet? i can not tell. i told her last night b4 our misinterprited argument. i love you. more than any1 i've ever loved. she replied with, "r u feelin it"? referrin 2 the liqour i jus started 2 sip on. wow. seems i', losin something i don't wanna watch leave. 4 the first time in my life i've found some1 i like. n she's so self centered she blurts out obscenities. jealous statements. n what ever she can come up with. hat is not love. that is me takin the abuse of another mans wrong doin. n the drinkin is old. damn near everytime she starts, she does not know when 2 stop. like a binge drinker. she loses sight of reality n is only worried about havin fun. fuck everything else. n i feel it slowly comin. it's there stairin at me. im failin again as she speaks of those who i was with in my past. but i'm not with them 4 a reason. n i'm glad. cuz i found her. i wish she could climb inside me n live a day in the love i have grown 4 her. it is unreal. i never thought this would ever be me. n i need help 2 try n salvage what is fadin. i luv her. will do anything 4 her. but i can not b the only 1 to change as i sit here with tears in my eyes releasin the real me. this is how i feel. me. no 1 else. a man breakin down in front of myself everyday in the mirror because the 1 i luv doesn't get it. i've done more than my share of willin. n am willin 2 do so much more. but i can not do it alone. i need help. but not from jus any1. from her. n until she sees it. there is no hope. n it leaves me wonderin if i can keep this thing goin.

unspoken

drippin within, its leakin out.
upon the tongue, quincing the droubt.
seekin air, slowly suffacating.
never ending, quickly evaporating.
savoring the moment, words spit.
silent whispers, from the mouth their ripped.
speaking lessons, begging to be done.
moisturized eyes, drip without love.
letters forming shapes, upon the lips.
held in, the moment slips.
self defeat, scribbles appear.
speaking thoughts, one can not hear.

waitin on tha moment

waitin 4 tha moment 2 slowly pause n last.
2 form something simular 2 a unforgettable past.
ticklin every aspect of my worn out laugh.

waitin with purpose 4 it all 2 stand so still.
long enough 4 me 2 get what is left of my fill.
openin me up as it uncontrollably begins spill.

waitin on temptation 2 call out n ask me my name.
whisperin in tha wind of a unique kinda game.
as i'm set adrift n walkin carelessly in tha rain.

waitin 2 cross tha unknowns unreturnable path.
steppin lively n tryin desperately not 2 crash.
thats a lil somthin of what i'd like 2 have.

waitin 4 tha moment above all other thrills.
2 be touched n persuaded by a secret kinda skill.
1 that shows without a doubt upon thy grill.

waitin on that silence of knowin i made it.
as i found it n my hearts begins 2 skip.
tastin another set of gentle once used lips.

l luv

I luv da way ur eyes stare.

Da way ur nose flares.

Da way ur mouth moves when it says it cares.

I luv da way ur body dares.

Da way ur inner self is bared.

But most of all i luv da way all da lil things u share.

feelin pist

pain n rage formed by hateful ways.
attempting 2 destroy everything uv gained.
words flowing in spiteful filth.
spit n discussed another luv has been milked.
rounds of ammo fired upon da ears.
sinking in2 da heart n forming fear.
rising 2 da occasion of retreat.
unwilling 2 face one has been beat.
ova ridin by giving in 2 da possibilities dat no longer exist.
left empty n fuming feeling pist.
getting even lays heavy on the mind.
choking on emotion unable 2 hide.
thoughts n repent flow like wildfires.
spreading more rapidly than desire.
hurt or b hurt 4 da last damn time.
ova da bullshit as one walks on by.

something more

everlasting. worth more than words can speak. so why do i try and explain when def ears do not understand it's ring? attempting to get my point across through every different little way. playing games with words. as i reconstruct and connect them into new phrases one can listen and feel before it is to late. always looking for that angle that breaks through. pushing one into a new way of thinking. crossing boundaries unable to be passed in an immature state of mind. i am trying to create a whole new reason for the struggle of the fight. one worth the end as it is coming. more than feeling can give. more than the head understands. something more than i have ever felt. human nature at it's best. giving more. accepting the thrill of being loved. wrapped more than physically. something emotion can not do without. something more than a dream. unspeakable things. spoken straight to the heart. as the mind confides in the reality of being enjoyed. accepted for what it has become. gently gliding on forward as this thing is more. so much more than something that can be thought up or imagined. releasing all the good within. fighting for another breathe of someone else's lips upon the neck. driven crazy. something like that. something more one the lines of love being jealous. dropping tears because it thought it figured it out. smiling because someone has found their way.

pep talk to the heart

don't stop keep pumping. it will be okay. stay with me.do what your doing. beat. feel a little something.live damn it. do not shut down on me now. it will come. have patience.wait it out. do not break down.giving up is not an option. pain is only temporary. you will see. pulsate my skin. be true and i will show you the way. i got this. it is in the bag as you are in my chest. slowly dying. trying to find a second half. whats the use if your unwilling to give it your all? i need a little help on this one from your end. what do you say? can i count on you or is it to late?

10.31.10

This is for October 31st. As I sit here on a cool sunny morning in the year of 2010. I feel the need to do more with this thing called life slowly slipping away. I'm 34 and still as of yet, I am not where I want to be. Things are not how I imagined them. Happy I am. But there is so much more to this ride I have not experienced. Little things I would really love to endure. And even though I do not know how to slide myself into such positions. I am looking for the opportunities given. Some how some way I will be and do the little things I dream of.

thick of the gray

when the clouds have landed n fog appears to have smoked out the minds sight. forcing the thoughts to talk n speak of all the little things in which i put aside. listening in the thick of the gray of it all, i sit silently as my eyes fill with the realization if you never coming back into my life. visibility blinded by time searching for ways to shack this hazy effect in which i to am dying. watching in a daze as my state of mind creeps up on me never lying. surrounded by the confusion of likeliness that we shall meet again in some distant place in space n time. i am impaired. awake n dreaming of thinking thoughts i always thunk. trying to shield the pupal from the sting grazing the retinas, shutting the lids. sucking in the taste of myself very own relapse,i drift into the past where you are still alive. exhaling to find it is just me playing in between the lines, cracks, and creases of all the little things i hide form this world in a place where you can shine. blowing my mind outside itself as i look back at my face wishing life was somewhat different. and nothing feels fine. appearing to have pain expressed upon it once again. i can barley see through overcast that has landed in front of me. i look lost without you, but no one will ever know. for the help blazing in my hand will fade at its end and you will be gone when the burning substance as it is no longer lit. giving way to clear sky's where i see you within even more clouds as your memory stays and pushes me along my way. living without you day to day.

the only place 2 be

if there were a heaven n i stood at its gates of gold that has no value in its promised land of righteousness. go figure? id stand with my birds on, blazin my thoughts of a frre mind as id probably be cast outta its rhelm of idiocy fallin in2 hopefully the exact spot lucipher crashed in2 a lil piece of earth and sunk in2 his own demise. then n there id look in2 his eyes n say, i feel ur pain. we a retaliate in our own special way. gettin even 2 equal out the playin field of bitter betrayal. then od crawl back outta his hole he cannot escape n accept how the sun is pourin life upon my face. it is the only place 2 be. the only in which it s worth smilin n feelin any damn thing.

i feel ur

i feel ur heartbeat grab @ me thru ur skin.
reachin 4 somethin like it will neva luv again.
not yet desperate it knows what it wants.
n i feel it take me ova as it hunts.
searchin within me, seekin for my sweet spot.
lil do u kno, uv already pushed out the blood clots.
i feel ur fingatips flowin thru my pipes.
openin my heart n mind.
like a dose of medicine healin the vein.
pushin out all the unwanted pain.
i can feel ur luv pulsate against my shells outer core.
sinkin under the armor, leavin me wantin more.

what now?

it feels i'm always on the outside. looking in on a life i either can not have or one that has ran it's course. it hurts but i refuse to be broke. tomorrow will come. tomorrow will end. the same as today! and my face will still be painted in the same place. in shades that made my yesterday. in the direction of happiness. blood from a wound that can not be seen. yet it will heal as i rise stronger once again. new faces. names misplaced. possibly forgotten. sounds of the past rearranged and playing it's game, as it repeats itself. making way for what is yet to come. unwanted but true it leads. dreams fade and lose their way in the mind. i have wound up lost. giving in to thoughts of uncertainty. i damn near have forgotten how it felt. and the reasons i won't live a certain way is my own. always peeking in. i want it bad. but something inside is giving up again. as bad as it may sound. i do not have it in me to turn away from time. finding (it), i thought i did. but i don't know if things are right in between the lines of mature minds. i am far from perfect and still have much to learn. but as i sneak a glimpse of where it is headed. i am not the only one who needs a good staring from the spitting image of the great pretender in the mirror. waiting to shit on the parade. gazing in on my life, i have went down screaming inside this time. close to the tongue. i tasted as bout as close as i have ever. now feeling alone again. i drift in a silent pause misplaced. whens it going to end? questions consume. answers hide. searching i just can not find the time to fight. following the breeze as it blows me away. floating into a lifetime of could have beens. dropping a tear for the good times as i blink a memory. my guess is, it is what it is! but what now?

in disbelief

i've dug deep. reached down and came up with me in my face.
forced myself to grow up. all because i didn't like my own taste.
made choices thats altered my life. tried changes for the better.
came up empty handed. & it looks i'm once again closer to never.
patience lost for the umpton time. hands sliding away from the grip.
permanently scared by the sounds of goodbye. will it ever be my time?
burying myself in arms letting loose. falling with a crooked spine.
i've crossed me in the dark. seen a stranger i didn't wanna see.
left him standing as just that. walking i'm trying to find a new breath to breathe.
but the search is costly. nothing ever stays the same.
where's my shine to ease the pain? bring pleasure to a man giving his all.
checking self to guide the ends into the future. instead i'm rubbed raw.
fighting for a chance to have that one thing. as me as i am.
but it doesn't seem to speak in my favor. when all i'm wanting is in a touch of a hand.
i'm lost in the sauce. freaking out & shutting down inside of me.
confused. i'm in disbelief.

A Letter to Mr. Hater President

Dear President of Hater Nation,

Thank you! I'm enjoying your followers you send my way. I'm really loving their faces when they get a taste. Puckering up ever so nicely. Keep them coming everyday If you would. I could use a few more laughs as they walk away. Kicking and cursing. Acting like the child like minds they posses. "Please" send me your best. I must say thou, your doing a fine job, Mr. Hater President. I've had my eye on you. I'm learning from the greatest their ever was, is, or will be to come. And you won't believe what I've noticed. Yes I'm on to your game. And I'm going to do this thing my way. Play with me if your will. I'll tear apart your top agents. Put you out of business and make you ancient. By the way, how's the hater family? I heard little (A-man-da) Hater hates your guts. Nice!!! How did you do it. You must be so proud. Well anyways, thank you again for the attention your giving.
Butch!
Oh Yeah! Put in for a raise for yourself. You deserve it.

hands on

puttin my hands on. all up in da mix. i finally know what i'm doin. no longer battlin with sticks.
gettin it done. like it's second nature. made of flesh & bone. dirty from fightin haters.
willin to work with u. skinned & bleedin. to red from blue. havin many reasons.
i luv their capabilities. feeling their way thru da think & thin. & their probabilities. there sinkin in.
takin on the weather. clinched & gripped. ready for whatever. not havin to pull anything from the hip.
goin @ it fists up. i'm done shadow boxin. i want my full cup. rockem sockem heads r knockin.
pushin a pull from deep. wipin away da sweat. hands r not out like trick or treat. & u r no threat.
i am unda control. hands steady as can b. beware when they close. u'll c da man in me.
i'm excited to c my life's work. touch & enjoy it. & even @ times my hands hurt. it really ain't sh!t.
i feel da fruits of life my own way. hands on. stearin down da way. round da bend i'm goin.

nympho

addicted, i am a nympho.
controlled, oh hell no.
satisfying, i am just that.
package, is kind of fat.
pleasure, is what i do.
orgasmic, i keep it true.
desire, a fulfilling gain.
physically, releasing the pain.

walls

all in all, i just want the walls to reach down n wrap themselves around me.
touch me and make me feel a home i lost years ago, trying to be free.
i'm just a man who has done more than his share of time, this i believe.
i'm in need of a this house to bring the warmth i want to retrieve.
somewhere along the way i grew up into a man that forgot how to live.
a loner with a deadbolt to keep the world out of reach because i had nothing to give.
but i know my worth now as i learned a little something of self in my time.
i just wish these damn walls could talk and tell me something kind.
i always feel like i've lost everything that there is to lose.
when i have more than most in my situation that has not a clue.
last place in my case is the best way to explain how my ways have given up.
i'm just wanting my heart to give in without a fight and truly love.
without the mind taking over and causing so much confusion.
i believe i've become to real for my own good with no solution.
the heart can't remember how to feel anymore and i'm trying not to fade.
i got something good going, and yet she's right, i don't know how to love without pain.
what am i to do as my world has come to a broken dream hiding from being hurt.
excuse after excuse i speak of what love is, in truth but in lust i fail and burn.
i want to be released from my prison i've created so long ago.
bending these bars as these walls wish me a farewell and i begin to grow.
i feel so trapped inside, turning on me i can't break a tear in silence.
and i wonder is there anyone out there like me who feels the violence.
tapping past the brink of exposure i'm consumed by wanting it to just be something.
wanting to be felt and accepted as i stand and feel a lent hand helping.
pulling me as i'm rescued into the sunshine, releasing all the wasted years.
who's it going to be to come hear the secrets i scream in whispering fears?
come soon and give this place of resting a meaning like it's never had.
love and receive all that's been built up waiting on something worth reaching a grab.
i got 34 years of melting in no ones arms and i'm a fool.
so use to being empty i fell into myself and woke in a slobbering drool.
now wanting what meant nothing to me till this point in my life's walk.
i just want a small itty bitty little piece of the pie before these walls can begin to talk.
closing me in for their own to be claimed.
before i wind up alone lonely and going insane.

from me 2 u

wit a lil time on my hands. ur eye will fill wit d luv written within dis man. vibin off braincells sent striaght 2 ur sweet spot. lettin u kno wat uv found, n wat u got. flowin n damn near foamin @ da mouth. lookin in ur direction feelin aroused. taste da letters dat show how i am beside myself inside. tell me how it gets 2 u as ur mind slowly begins 2 grind. its 2 much. such a rush da way u touch. look deep in2 me n tell me again who i am 2 u. n i will tell u how uv taken complete control. worlds done a 180. how is it i give in2 how u tame me. my minds been givin a new way of learnin. heart will not stop yearnin. filled from front 2 back. side 2 side n it is a fact. i break down in da presence of da way u luv. luvin me bunchees n callin me hun. where did u come from? beside u i feel i have won. n even thou i write n jot it down. i could neva giv it a true sound. words jus aint enough when it comes 2 what i c in u. like u said only if u knew. this is a lil sumtin from me 2 u, jus so u kno i do luv u.

the irreplaceable lover

i can not afford for the loose ends to break.
trying to hold on to a love frayed and dying to escape.
and who else but me do i have to thank within the mix?
for a situation i can not take and probably can never fix.
eyes never lie with stares of who really cared.
way to much of me has slowly been bared.
losing control beneath the face in which i have carried.
feelings are pushing an expression of being buried.
packed deep under the comfort of pretending it never mattered.
truth is i feel so beaten with scars and left shattered.
grabbing a hold of what is left of a man i can no longer find.
coming up empty handed of what i find within the space of my mind.
even there i am literally alone and damaged.
between the walls of my head i am a sandwich.
left to rot in time without a mouth to taste me before i mold.
where is the ending i seen at one time or another?
one where i had a great irreplaceable lover.

not again

am i reachin again?
am i wrong?
my minds at a loss.
do i need this?
my hearts seems to be fooled.
pushed and bein pulled.
not again.
i cant take it anymore.
im tired of pickin it up off the floor.
misunderstood and out of context.
im comin undone.
once again im not havin much fun.
im no longer me yet again.
holdin tongues wisdom.
slobberin on love.
puttin it back for my own gain.
im becomin who im runnin from.
alone and done.
im confused and waitin.
whats goin on?
feels like im bein scorned.
and i cant seem to it let go.
death grip squeezed.
fists clinched in a dead freeze.
im turnin yet again.
things to be lived with.
and others unable to be dealt with.
insides touched by poison.
sinkin n killin.
everything thats fillin.
this is not me.
unaccepted as lips fly.
its been a while since i said goodbye.
hearin the sounds of imperfections.
and i never claimed to be flawless.
poked and pissed.
tweaked into what i am not.
i refuse.
becomin a muse?
maybe its me.
growin older and colder.
about to turn another shoulder.
knowin what im wantin.
unwillin to settle.
waters burnin in this kettle.
yet im here.
with patience.
listenin in silence.
tryin to love in my time.
and again im opened to the musical cords.
hearin notes and wantin more.

on the mornin of (10/12/10)

somethins missin,
somethins has went astray,
i woke up this mornin n felt my chest cave.
somethins spoilin,
somethins been set adrift,
and my heads not listenin on this imparticular trip.
somethins spillin me out,
somethins bein freed and let loose,
makin the heart feel spooked.
somethins plottin against the odds,
somethins surfacin from deep within,
and is once agiain in need of a friend,
somethins creepin in silence,
soemthins whisperin my name,
noticin the same ol games.
somethins fightin its way out,
somethins changed in a smile,
now placed in order with the memories files.
somethins to close for comfort,
somethins end lurks behind the eyes,
i believe its gonna hurt this time.
somethins gotta give,
somethins pushin me around,
im beginnin to feel that old famialiar frown.
somethins not goin as planed,
somethins not turnin out.
whats this beginin to be all about?
cuz somethins got me second guessin,
somethins happened to the want,
and my heart has seemed to have sunk.

this is

this is, the deep ends of feelin.
this is, my world slowly peelin.
this is, pretendin gone huntin.
this is, the beginin of somethin.
this is, how i feel right now.
this is, becomin my style.
this is, mind relaxin vibes.
this is, me spread thin in a rhyme.
this is, a leaf unfolded.
this is, me tryin 2 hold it.
this is, so much different.
this is, a subconscious statment.
this is, the moistened drought.
this is, me comin out.
this is, uncontrolled compromise.
this is, finally bein rectified.
this is, times lil way.
this is, me fightin my case.
this is, the full circle connectin.
this is, the unwillin heart acceptin.
this is, how it's breakin down.
this is, the silence of sound.
this is, the clock tickin a tock.
this is, bubbles gettin popped.
this is, bobbin as it's weaved.
this is, motive bein retrieved.

i call it home

i made it my duty so i don't ever have to leave home again. my bills are mine. my kids live under a roof in which the lease is signed with my handcock. i have a home. it's a great feeling to posses. i can share it. but i will never leave. i made it this far and i'm still making my way. with a smile upon my face as i struggle to keep it upright at times. but it's mine. starting over is not in my cards. i'm done playing that immature childish game. it feels good knowing i got this. i've become what that one thing i drempt. no more bouncing in and out of others lives. building them a home as i'm left with nothing but everything to gain. no more outside looking in. wrong side of the door, unable to get in. i hold the key to my world. i got this. it's easy. gravy. i'm winning the fight . battling and claiming what is rightfully mine. happiness and a place to rest my head. no one can take this from me. it is home. my home. my very own. and will always be as get busy doing me. maintaining a spot i can rest my bones. i call it home. where the joys are reaped. somewhere life is liven. it is where it is.home.

lost in between dreams

jumping out from a dream i wake.

wondering how much more imagination i can take.
out of sync and disoriented for a nightmare i ridden.
i dreamt up a dream where we were forbidden.
reaching i extend, i roll and grab hold.
as my body feels so extremely cold.
clinging to the past a dream attempted to steal.
feeling more than the depression that appeared to be real.
tightly wrapped stuck to your side in a freezing sweat.
a little thing called dreamland told me you left.
slowly coming to reality of what we share.
for this thing it is as real as it is as sad as it is rare.
finding a love more passionately than i did before i drifted off.
winding up somewhere where i felt so utterly lost.
pulling me out of a dark tale trying to i am shake it.
from me you were violently ripped and forsaken.
tasting the worst of all my frightened fears.
our future became an absent minded smidge of a smear.
changing times, living past outdated expiration's.
i thought you gave up on all our expectations.
you and i were done inside the subconscious of my mind.
through with living a love we could not hide.
i lost control in between dreams yet one more time.
as i am waking and finding myself wanting to break down and cry.
wanting to tell you i never want to watch you leave at all.
i comfort my confusion with your skin for it is so silky soft.
the tricks of the mind damn near killed my heart.
broke me down and tore me completely apart.
i came close to freezing over and my core becoming bitterly hard.
as i woke just in time to a feeling of total disregard.
and though i escaped the depths of an illusion that had took my one.
i learned a valuable lesson in a lonely dream of a love going numb.

the art of story tellin'

it comes from within. somewhere only self can express. attempting to write it down. where self empties the core. the art of story tellin' only speaks words if given a mouth to speak them. a pen to read them. a key to poke up a line fit to the eyes preference. clinging to an others position in time. felling to art of story telling come to life within them. now living within more than just one lost cause. it's the arrangement of letters forming words. as sentences and phrases completes someones day. enjoyed and held close enough to remember as one walks their drifting skip. it's a n art indeed. stories grabbing a hold of anything willing to hear the sounds wether silently read or spoken to through a voice speaking through thoughts. everyone fits into at least one version. feeling the pain, happiness or everything n between every once in a while.

It Is Mine

My heart, it can be given out on a loan. As sad as it may seem, it's the only way. Kind of like in need of payments, getting only what i put into time. One little bit at a time. Only with love in return. My private region can be fun for just one. To have and hold as their very own, for as long as they may wish to be that one. "But my mind, it is mine". It is my play ground captured by me for whatever may run in love, lust, fear, or dust. Just roaming. Out of harms way, sheltered by skull one will have to beat in to get me out. You see, I trust no one but me. I am the only one that can't hurt self. I'd be a fool to do such a thing. Time is short enough without the pain. I don't need it. Have all you can handle. Just do me one thing as I ask as a man. A human as well as you stand and say you are. Forget my name. I can feel everything I touch. Physically, mentally, emotionally scared wanting one more breath of air. I hold out for truth and knowing what life really means deep inside this shell of a man. so have me as your very own. Pleasure yourself as you so do. Yet again, what goes in the head stays in the head until time is right. There is a time and place for everything. That I do believe. Family is a waste of lies. Bound my blood to cast fake smiles obligated to deal with stupidity sucking the life out of happiness. I really don't need it. But I want it. Bad. Friends are rare that seem to fade time going on time lost in the chaos. This not about one's wrong doings. Nor being happy or sad. This is me in words that will never shy from less than what you get in the flesh.....................I am all me. Sharing my shell in which protects what matters the most. Everything I'm willing to give with true emotion. With direct answers, leaving not an once of wonder explains what you can not see in actions repeated and time can not take away. So have at me as i feel something worth seconds adding up to be everything we could possibly be. My chest lays naked, pumping vibes beating and knocking to a rhythm orchestrated to ease thy heart in what only appears to be a cruel world. And again my physical presents is alawys here for the touch to tease me into an out of controlling spiral in arms of a face I may or may not know. Ready and willing to have a little play time I won't soon forget. But what is mine is who I am, it's as I stand is how I see one's face accepting or attempting to change thee into what they are looking for. I can not be a perfect little marionette. With strings pulling my arms into a false state of control of self forced motion and selfless gratification. Living for what another wants out of me. Sorry, you get what you deserve when I'm pushed outside of what makes me the man I am. My mind is all mine. Well rounded and retrained to fit my lifestyle. One can easily fit in and is more than welcome to be themselves, I'd want nothing less for one to give it the way they know best........Controlled thoughts of reasonings, keeping order for the sake of true happiness roaming in space lost between even the best of friends. To feel more than the bigger picture of sanity and it's course of failure because one doesn't understand. Never taking the time to learn. Time just won't give nor give up. Why should we?........